Win bucks daily! ® Hf*,," Page 18The Murdoch MaroonVolume 93, No. 41 The University of Chicago ©Copyright 1984 THE MURDOCH MAROON Sunday, April 1, 1984MAYOR HEIRTO FRIED CHICKENFORTUNE Council upset; Bloom thrilledLegislativebeauty seriesbeginslTurn to Page 3 Turn to Page 72—THE MURDOCH MAROON-Sunday, April 1,1984Murdoch buys MaroonBy Jim HogeIn a surprise move thatmany administration fig¬ures have hailed as a re¬turn to responsible jour¬nalism, Rupert Murdochhas seized control of theailing University of Chi¬cago Maroon.The cunningly engin¬eered coup, which gaveMurdoch representativescomplete power over thefinancially teetering lef¬tist journal was complet¬ed yesterday morning.I’m glad they’re gone,”U. president Hanna Greysaid this morning, aboutthe former editorialboard: “I’ve got no sym¬pathy for those snivelers— they’re just a bunch of trouble-makers andclass-cutters.” The pro¬posed Murdoch Sauna ad¬dition to the president’soffice had no bearing onthe University’s stancetowards the takeover, ad¬ministration personnelcontended.Frank Luby and ChrisScott, the only membersof the editorial staff tosurvive the takeover,said the transition waspeaceful. “We let them inearly in the morning,”Luby said, climbing intothe new Corvette parkedoutside Ida Noyes Hall,“and by noon the old crewwere out.” “No problemsat all,” Scott added as anarmed guard escorted him to his own new auto.The sudden voluntarycommittment of most ofthe former editors yester¬day to psychiatric obser¬vation also eased thetransition, Murdoch offi¬cials added. “I knew theywere unhappy,” Scott of¬fered, “you know, behindon papers and all. It’sbeen coming for awhile —especially Anna.”The new regime will beguaranteed space in theold offices for as long asthey wish, Irene Conley,director of Ida Noyes Hallstated today. “At first Iwas against the takeover,of course, but when theycame in and told me howmuch money I would get, well, I knew it was wrong,but I just had to changemy mind.”The new Editor has notbeen announced, but theMurdoch organizationhas vowed that whoevergets the nod will beef upthe papers coverage ofcommunity and citynews. “You people don’tknow how many impor¬tant stories the old edi¬tors let slip right pasttheir noses,” an anony¬mous source said, hintingat a recent scandal in¬volving a goat and theDean of the College.Other former editorsnot under observationwere seen wandering offin the direction of the Hyde Park Herald. “Weare going to bring all theweight of that paper downto bear on those guys,”one outcast was quoted assaying.Despite the grumblingsof the ousted editors, stu¬dent response has beenhighly favorable. “I can’twait,” Orrin Wang, agraduate student in thedivinty school said, “I’vebeen looking forward tosome solid reporting for along time.” Students inthe Business and Lawschools, the latter espe¬cially, are also excited.It was announced latetoday that the Grey CityJournal would continue toappear each Friday. It will, however, be re-titledGrey City Journal Artsand Fun! and be writtenand produced entirely byAustralian students in thecollege. The new editors,Bruce Halvorsen andBruce Mulligan, said theywould shift the focus ofthe paper, “We’re think¬ing there is a need formore coverage of mutila¬tions and atrocities. Peo¬ple want to read aboutstuff like that.” Mulliganadded, “We will continueto review Court Theatreproductions, which weput in the category ofatrocities.”Hannamissing?By Jerry AndropoutThere is new specula¬tion that PresidentHanna Gray may bemissing, experiencedGray watchers reportedtoday. The recent specu¬lation is fueled by a stu¬dent’s claim that when heplayed a Spanish tapebackwards in the lan¬guage lab, it said,“Hanna is dead.”The last confirmedsighting of Mrs. Graywas in the South Sideblues bar, “The Checker¬board Lounge.” She wasseen there last Novemberjamming with guitaristBuddy Guy. Speculation about Mrs.Gray’s whereabouts hascaptured the nation’s at¬tention and has become agenuine pop phenome¬non. Recently, the Na¬tional Enquirer spon¬sored a “Was thatHanna...?’’ contest.Some of the entries in¬cluded the following:• Was that Hanna withthe Reagans at RanchoRicho?• Was that Hannapumping gas in Saska¬toon, Saskatchewan?• Was that Hanna inthe funeral crowd scenein the movie, “Gandhi”?The winner of the contest asked, “Was that Hannavacationing in the Carib¬bean with rock starDavid Lee Roth?”Chicagologists havebeen hard pressed to es¬tablish much about Mrs.Gray’s private life. Mrs.Gray is reported to havea husband who teaches inthe college, but this couldnot be confirmed. Onewoman claiming to be apersonal friend of Mrs.Gray said she has onlyseen the elusive Gray vis¬ibly upset once. “Somecollege prankster haddrawn absurd mustacheson the colored pictures inher favorite copy of Thu- Hanna Gray...last seen at a U of C football game?cydides. I remember hersaying later, ‘We are notamused.’”One noted Chicagolo-gist, Professor I. M.Shure, has recentlycaused quite a stir around the quads with hisextreme theory that Mrs.Gray may not exist.“There is a serious ques¬tion as to whether thereactually is a PresidentGray,” Shure said. (Most Chicagologists, however,discount this theory.“Some things in life justhave to be taken onfaith,” a Div School profexplained.)Henry Kissinger Kissinger takenride in U of CNobel scandalBy Janet CookeHenry Kissinger is theUniversity’s latest NobelPrize winner, the Univer¬sity reported Monday.This brings the grandtotal of Nobel winnerswho attended, taught at,saw, or heard of the Uni¬versity to 59.Kissinger received thedistinction when he visit¬ed the Museum of Scienceand Industry over theweekend, and accidentlytook the #55 Garfield businstead of the #6 JefferyExpress. He realized hiserror, and left the bus atthe intersection of 55thand Cottage Grove, plac¬ing him on Universityturf.“Suddenly I saw a manin the bushes near thefootball stands takingpictures,” Kissinger said in an interview. “As I at¬tempt to walk down thestreet he comes up to meand asks me for identifi¬cation.”Kissinger revealed hisidentity, and the mancalled for a U of C squadcar which whisked Kis¬singer, under tight secu¬rity, to the Administra¬tion Building, where heofficially joined the selectgroup.“I’m flattered. . .1guess,” said Kissinger.“I suppose it’s an impor¬tant honor to be associat¬ed with a university suchas Chicago.”Kissinger fell into Uni¬versity domain thanks toa private army Chicagosecurity forces, under theguidance of Hanna Gray,trained several years agoto spot previous winners for anormally associated withother institutions or of¬fices. Kissinger is themost well-known of their“captives” in the pastfive years.The forces, usually 20or 30 strong, patrol theUniversity’s officialcampus area, and carry afile with pictures of eachwinner. Kissinger en¬tered a particularly wellcovered area, since 55thStreet is a major accessroute to the Hyde Parkneighborhood.Kissinger is alsoclaimed by Harvard,Yale, Princeton, UCLA,Georgetown, and Michi¬gan State as a NobelPrize Winner. The diplo¬mat earned a NobelPeace Prize for his workin world affairsTHE MURDOCH MAROON—Sunday, April 1, 1984—3Legislative Beauty of the WeekRep Barbara Flynn Currie starts the Murdoch M&roon s series of calendargirls, as she poses as the first of our legislative girls in constituent interaction.Barbara keeps trim and fit with a constant regimen of liberalism, reform move ments, bill initiation, and strenuous campaigning. Like many of our other sisterMurdoch tabloids, we will continue this calendar girl series. Look for Carol Mo¬seley Braun and Susan Catania in upcoming issues!4—THE MURDOCH MAROON—Sunday, April 1, 1984The Eleventh Nora and Edward Ryerson Lecture. . with a long sense of time . .byKARL J. WEINTRAUBThe Thomas E. Donnelley Distinguished Service Professor,the Department of History,the Committee on Social Thought,and the CollegeChairman of the Committee on the History of CultureTuesday, April 3, 19845:30 p.m.The Glen A. Lloyd Auditoriumof the Laird Bell Law Quadrangle1111 East 60th StreetSponsored by The University of Chicago/j’MUsIOMUsIOMUsIC-S)CJUOru5)u§S' THE UNIVERSITY OF CHICAGODEPARTMENT of MUSICPresents:Friday, March 30 - Ridge String Quartet8:00 p.m. Mandel HallKrista Bennion and Robert Rinehart, violins; MatthiasBuccholz, viola; Ramon Bolipata, cello.Haydn: Quartet in F, op.50 no.5; Bartok: Quartet No. 2, op. 17;Mendelssohn: Quartet in E-flat, op.44 no.3.Tickets are $9; UC students, $6.Saturday, March 31 - Piano Four-Hands8:00 p.m. Goodspeed Recital HallC. Ann Avery and Meme Tunnell.Music by Mozart, Schubert, and Dvorak.Admission is free.Thursday, April 5 - Noontime Concert: Saxophone Quartet12:15 p m. Goodspeed Recital HallMark Epstein, Peter Gruenbaum, Marcus Padgett, JohnHarris.Music by Borel, Glasunov, Niehaus, Mielenz and Joplin.Admission is free.Thursday-Sunday - Gilbert & Sullivan’s Princess IdaApril 5th-8th8:00 p.m. (Sunday, 2:00 p.m.) Mandef HallStarring Ellen Harris, Ray Lubway, Robert Heinrikson,Kenneth Guy.Tickets are $8 / April 8th, $4. Available at the RC Box Office.IN MEMORIAMJames Harold MooreA memorial service for Professor James Mooreof the Department of Musicrecently deceased.Wednesday, April 4th at 5 p.m. in Bond Chapel o£C.LnOn£rcn* MUsI C ^ M^Sl c^mUsJc^ THE FORUM FOR FEMINIST SCHOLARSHIPAnnounces its Spring Quarter Lecture Series“The Sacred and Conjugal Sexuality In 16th Century France’byNATALIE ZEMON DAVISHenry Charles Lea Professor of History, Princeton UniversityThursday, April 127:30 PM Swift Lecture HallA reception will follow“Who’s in Charge Here? Accountability vs Decentralizationin the Struggle For the E.R.A.” byJANE MANSBRIDGEAssociate Professor, Department of Political Science andResearch Faculty Center for Urban Affairs and PolicyResearch, Northwestern UniversityThursday, April 264:30 p.m. Harper 130“Feminism, Motherhood and the Labor Movement’’ byELIZABETH PAYNEAssistant Professor of History, Northwestern UniversityThursday, May 104:30 PM Harper 130“Gender in Practice: An Africanist Perspective” byJEAN COMAROFFAssistant Professor of AnthropologyThursday, May 244:30 PM Harper 130Funded by the University of Chicago Women’s BoardWinter’s Gone & Spring is Here!/ It’s time to redo your of¬fice! We carry a completeline of Eldon Desk Ac¬cessories & Trays, lampsby Art Specialty & Ledu,clock by Pyramid. Checkour catalog and see thatwe carry more than paper,pencils & paper clips!All items in our catalogwill be put on order whennot in our stock room..■. -v,'> V''~ ‘'T<The University of Chicago BookstoreStationery Department2nd Floor • 970 E. 58th St.962-8729 or I.B.X. 5-4103THE MURDOCH MAROON-Sunday, April 1, 1984—5New grading sure to wreak GPA havocSample grade interpre¬tations are given below:Grade ExplanationA+ + + 1. If student is of opposite sex, he or shewas good in bed.2. If student was of same sex, he or shewas exceptionally thoughtful (bringingthe prof a fully catered meal during of¬fice hours.)A++ 1. Student participated in class whenawake.2. Stayed awake and didn’t even yawnonce.3. Snored quietly.A- 1. Student was four minutes late on hand¬ing in one assignment.2. Student wore slightly tacky shirt toclass three times.3. Student always brought the correct book to class. Even when the professorsdidn’t.A-- 1. If female, student wore pink nailpo-lish.2. If male, student wore nearly lime-green wide wale cords to class oneday.B++ Whole class belonged in a morgue and thisstudent was comparatively alive.B-- Student didn’t visit prof once during officehours.C— Student made professor look foolish bypointing out that Holland is not a ThirdWorld country.C— Student called professor a “slimewad”when he thought the prof couldn’t hearhim.CAUSE sticks to its guns; SG up at armscaragua, we might havedecided differently.”When questioned aboutthis lack of gun-runningbalance, a CAUSEspokesman claimed thatthey had attempted tocontact the anti-Sandan-ista rebels: “We couldn’tfind their number in theManagua temlephonebook, though. What kindof popular revolutionaryarmy keeps their phonenumber unlisted? It justshows that the SGFCclaim is a smokescreen—there is no legitimate‘other side’.”Finance CommitteeGeneralissimo Rick Ro¬berto d’Aubuisson’Szejny explained theCommittee’s decision dif¬ferently, however, sayingthat although the Sovietnaval presence in LakeMichigan has not in¬creased recently. ‘‘I don’twant my activities fee tobe spent furthering Sovi-et-Cuban expansionism inChicago.”SGFC and CAUSE didagree that this strugglewas not over. Next weekSGFC will hear requestsfor money to supplyweapons to anti-Castroguerrillas fighting in NewJersey, to supply propa¬ganda for Kurdistanirebels centered in Ne¬braska, and to supply anABM system to protectMongolian insurgents headquartered at a Wal-greens drug store in Co¬lumbus, Ohio. As oneSGFC member said, try¬ing to put a bright face on»T~\A t "Sskthe evening’s arguments,‘‘this shows that studentactivism isn’t dead in thecareerist '80’s.”Demonstrating for a CAUSEpilfered in flagrant follyIn response to studentdemand for accurategrading, the Administra¬tion recently clarified+/- grading. This systemeliminates the need forstraight letter grades.‘‘We want to show thatgrading can be an exactscience. This plan is tai¬lored to suit every teach¬er’s whim,” one officialremarked.The following gradeswill be awarded under thenew system: A + + + ,AH—h, A+, A—, A--, A-,B + 4- + , B + + , B + , B—,etc. Professors can alsouse V2 + ’s and V2-’s to bemore precise.One professor said ofthe new grading system,‘‘I think it’s important tobe precise in grading.Other schools are and theU of C has wimped out fortoo long. We need to spurthe students to be morecompetitive as well. ItIn a dramatic coup, theUniversity of Chicagowill be the new home forthe Reagan Library, re¬cently turned away fromStanford University.Administration offi¬cials evidently flew toWashington to talk topresidential attorneyEdwin Meese between hisappearances before anunfriendly approval com¬mittee. “We offered themcomplete control of the li¬brary,” an aide to U.President Hanna Graysaid, “and a newly reno¬vated building to placethe materials in.”Ida Noyes Hall was to may result in a few ner¬vous breakdowns but itwill be an improvementfor the majority.”Karl Weintraub, Pro¬fessor of Masochismo,said, “I’m in favor of thisexpanded +/- grading. Ihope it will encouragemore students to cater totheir professors’ prefer¬ences in dress and con¬duct.”Another professor wasnot as supportive though,“The whole system is justanother device designedto hassle us. I plan to con¬tinue my private methodof throwing a classes’papers down the stairs.The ones at the bottomget F’s, the ones at thetop get A’s. It’s neat,quick, and efficient. Theonly question that +/-grading would solve forme would be what to dowith the papers that landin between steps.”undergo massive renova¬tions and improvementsthis summer, in an at¬tempt to improve studentlife, but Gray decidedthat the opportunity toget the Reagan paperswas too good to pass up.“I know the money wassupposed to be for the stu¬dents, but all the trusteeswere in favor of thechange in plans, and be¬sides, next to the prestigeof the new Library, whocares about a few dis¬gruntled students.” Graychuckled, “Let themtransfer to Stanford ifthey’re upset.” By John CoatsparkAfter an evening ofangry debate, the StudentGovernment FinanceCommittee rejected a re¬quest from CAUSE (Com¬mittee Assembled toUnite in Solidarity withEl Salvador) to fundarms shipments to El Sal¬vadorian rebels battlingUS-supported governmettroops.“Once again, the tyran¬nical SGFC has stifled po¬litical involvement at theU of C,” said one CAUSEmember. “It’s fine to sitaround in our ivorytowers and bribe out-of-work extremists to spewpropoganda at us, er, thatis invite experts to dis¬cuss pressing issues—butif they actually try to actupon their political be¬liefs, they are quashed bythe powers-that-be.”The $15,000 requestwould have bought high-powered automatic weap¬ons, munitions, andbound volumes of Aristot¬le and Machiavelli to¬gether with one student’sPhD thesis critiquing therelationship betweenMarx, Lenin, and Ska.Said one SGFC member,“We rejected CAUSE’Srequest because themoney was going to beused to support only oneside of the issues. Now ifthey were going to pro¬vide equal ammunitionfor, say, the contras in Ni¬By Pony ExpressTen spring quarter tu¬ition bills were removedrandomly for students’folders and then paid an¬onymously, according toDonald Levine, Postmas¬ter General in the col¬lege.“The blatant theft oc-• curred in broad day-light,” said Levine,amazed at the nerve ofsome students in the Col¬lege to do something likethis.Apparently the atten¬dant on duty at the ap¬proximate time of thetheft said she noticednothing out of the ordi¬nary.“There was a largecrowd of people millingaround, as usual," shetold the Murdoch Maroon. “The mailroomis such a popular hangoutthat it’s always thatfull.”The administration isupset by all publicity sur¬rounding this barbaricact of generosity, and isconsidering a futurechange in the look andthe policy of themailroom, including theinstallation of a one-footthick steel vault doorthrough which studentswill be allowed onlyunder accompaniment ofan armed guard. The stu¬dent will have to show avalidated UCID and twoforms of identification aswell.“The cost is prohibi¬tive,” said Levine, “butit’s worth it. We prize themailroom, and we don’t want incidents like thisever again.”When asked if the tightsecurity would affect thetremendous social cli¬mate in the mailroom.the Dean said "sometimeyou have to sacrificeminor things like sociallife to achieve a muchmore important end:proper billing proce¬dures.”“I don’t like thechange.” said one stu¬dent. "It will make themailroom like a bank —cold, sterile.”"Where else can we goto have a good time afterthe mailroom changes,”said another, virtually intears after hearing of theplan.Levine had no furthercomment.CampuswelcomesunwantedReaganstein6—THE MURDOCH MAROON—Sunday, April 1,1984FREE ESL CUSSESALL REGISTERED INTERNATIONAL STUDENTS ANDRESEARCH ASSOCIATES: FREE ENGLISH AS A SECONDLANGUAGE CLASSES (WRITING AND CONVERSATION)WILL BE OFFERED AGAIN THIS QUARTER.ORGANIZATIONAL MEETING FOR ALL INTERESTEDPEOPLE (NEW & CONTINUING):FRI., MARCH 30 • 4 PM IN COBB 201ANY NON-NATIVE ENGLISH SPEAKER INTERESTED INDEVELOPING OR POLISHING THEIR ENGLISH SKILLSIS ENCOURAGED TO ATTEND. FIRST CLASS MEETINGS:WRITING-MON., APRIL 2 • 4 PMCONVERSATION - WED., APRIL 4 • 4:30 PMBOTH CLASSES ARE IN COBB 201QUESTIONS: CALL JOHN BOTSCHAROWWED. 1 - 4 PM • 962-8538Saucd Mk Paata?RESTAURANTWhere we create our own;•Pasta •Cappucino/Expresso•Ice Cream •Cheesecakesespecially for you!HOURS: Tues.-Fri. 11:30-10:00Saturday 4:00-10:00Sunday 3:00-9:00 RESTAURANT9485 S. EWING JUST 13 MINUTES FROM HYDE PARK! 374-0031THE UNIVERSITY OF CHICAGO DEPARTMENT OF MUSICPRESENTSThe Gilbert & SullivanOpera Co.inPRINCESS IDAMANDEL HALL, 57TH STREET & UNIVERSITY AVENUEThursday, April 5 (Patrons' Gala) at 8 P.M.Friday, April 6 at 8 P.M Evenings: $8Saturday. April 7 at 8 P.M. Matinee: $4Sunday, April 8 at 2 P.M. All Seats ReservedTickets on sale at Mandal Hall Box Office: 962-7300or by malt: University of Chicago Dept, of MusicQoodspeed Hall 310/Q4S5845 S. Ellis AvenueChicago. IL 6063/Enclose self-addressed stamped envelope324-5422Free Parking adjacent to Reganstein Library - Enter from 56th St. " v f ' a , 'M - ' M ' I ' msm ' ^CENTER FOR MIDDLE EASTERN STUDIESThe University of Chicago iCOLLOQUIMONCONCEPTION AND BIRTH IN THE MUSLIM WORLDPROGRAM2:00 Prof. Basim Musallam (University of Pennsylvania) will speak on“Ideas of Conception and Birth in Classical Islam.Prof. Fazlur Rahman (University of Chicago) will be the respondent.3:00 Prof. Erika Loeffler (Western Michigan University) will speak on“The Making of a Child in the Folknotions of Rural Iran.”Carol Delany (University of Chicago) will be the respondent.4:00 Open discussion.Memorial Room, second floor* Ida Noyes HallMonday, April 2Mayor in hot greaseDormitory carpetbaggersNo stain, no gainUniversity studentswere dismayed yesterdayto discover that the neat¬ly rolled up carpet theyfound on the corner of54th and Woodlawn con¬tained a dead body. “Itwas a real nice rug, saidone of the students, all ofwhom asked not to benamed, “except for theblood stains.” The victimhad been shot twice in thehead.Security officials wereupset that the studentsdidn’t notify them untilthe body had been dis¬ posed of; “We always liketo have a piece of the ac¬tion,” claimed securitychief ..., “But it is nicewhen we see these kidstaking care of them¬selves.\Asked why they keptthe incident quiet, one ofthe students noted that“it would only have mademy parents nervousabout me being here.”Another added that theycame out on top in the endusing what he called“typical on-your-toes Chi¬ cago thinking. We calledthe medical school and of¬fered to trade the bodyfor another carpet. Thosecheapos wanted to give usa little throw rug, butwhen we told them thatthe guy was pretty youngand seemed to be prettyfresh, they camethrough.”Hanna Gray’s officehas denied that the stu¬dents were in fact a hand¬ful of trustees, and themedical school had nocomment to add.To intimidate opponents in upcoming debates,Candidate Rev. Jesse Jackson now wears one of hisvintage protest jackets, and stares intently (asshown above) in order to make his afro grow to 10times its normal sizq. - By Harlan SandersChicago Mayor HaroldWashington admittedWednesday that his fa¬ther owns and runsHarold’s Chicken Shackon 63rd Street. Washing¬ton had previouslyclaimed that he had de¬scended from Africanroyalty.“I’m basically an hon¬est person,” Washingtonsaid of covering up his fa¬ther’s true occupation.Despite his reassurance,Poultry Union 655 with¬drew its support of Wash¬ington. A spokesmancommented, “We can’tsupport a chicken mur¬derer. That would be badenough but Harold’sChicken Shack kills them by throwing them (stillalive) into a pot of boilingfat. It’s too cruel forwords.”The original Haroldsaid of his son, “I’mproud of him. I wish hewould help me out moreat the store but I knowhe’s busy. Maybe nextyear he’ll float me a loanso I can move to 61st andsituate the slum closer tothe U of C.”Harold Sr. continued,describing his store, say¬ing “We’ve got a real niceplace here with a lot offriendly patrons. We havethe highest class drunksin town. I’d rather theypaid money rather thanpointing a gun at me anddemanding the chicken but you can’t have every¬thing.”Mayor Harold’s back¬ground was discoveredwhen a city auditor gotsuspicious. Thirty ofHarold Jr.’s original sup¬porters were paid off witha lifetime supply of chick¬en wings and necks. “Iknew something was upfrom the beginning,” theauditor claimed, “Haroldalways smelled slightlyrancid.”Harold’s ChickenShack was also recentlycondemned because toomany Chicken Dinnerswere discovered to actu¬ally be chicken-sizedrats. Harold Jr. stoppedthis move to close thestore, saying at the time, “The coating is so thickthat when you get to themeat of the matter itmakes little differencewhether it’s chicken orrat.”The Chicken Shack willremain open since it waslater discovered that theHealth Code applies onlyto prohibiting living ratsin eating establishments.None have been seen atHarold’s yet, only deadones.Mayor Harold will beallowed to retain his postuntil investigations havebeen completed. One offi¬cial said, “Next thing youknow, they’ll find out thathe’s a bigamist.”THE MURDOCH MAROON—Sunday, April 1,1984—7Although Pierce Tower has recently been found radioactive, residents will notbe relocated. One official explained, “Most residents are already irreversiblybrain damaged. Treatment is too costly so they can stay as long as they passclasses.”The University of ChicagoCommittee on Western European Studies and theGoethe Institute Chicagopresent:A Film/Lecture program on"THE NEWSREEL IN GERMANY AT THE END OF THE WAR, 1945-1947:POLICIES OF THE ALLIED OCCUPATION FROM CONFRONTATION TO NORMALCY"Introduction, Commentary and Discussion byDR. STEPHAN DOLEZELUniversitat GottingenMonday, April 2, 19843:30 p.m.Social Science 122 gsaa=S3===x=a=", , —| ———-TO ALL UNDERGRADUATESThe “Fundamentals: Issues and Texts” ProgrampresentsA COLLEGIATE LECTUREIN THELIBERAL ARTSROBERT BARTTutor and Former Dean, St. John’s College“THE LINE ANDTHE CAVE”Monday, April 28PMSwift Lecture Hall— Refreshments and DiscussionFollowing the Lecture —I—THE MURDOCH MAROON—Sunday, April 1,1984/Inquiryis a quarterlyjournal of essays writtenby students in the College.We are now acceptingpapers of general interestfor publication in Springissue.We encourage students inall disciplines to submittheir best work.The deadline for submissionis Friday, April 6, at 5 p.m.in the Ida Noyes Cloakroom,or mail to:InquiryFaculty Exchange MailboxIda Noyes Hall1212 East 59th StreetChicago, IL 60637 :/ r ^ Dear Neighbors and PatientsI would like to introduceDr. Brian Oswald who hasbecome associated withme. 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The space waswasted not because the subject was trite, as somewriters suggested, nor because the gladiators in theinter-urban verbal battle were jerks, as another writ¬er accurately perceived. The jerkism of the previouscity fighters notwithstanding, the editorial space waswasted because the writers failed to grasp the fun¬damental issue of what they had touched upon.America is not West Coast versus East Coast, Northversus South, America versus the District of Colum¬bia, or Chicago, with its excessive burden of out-of-town Hyde Park collegians, versus the rest of theworld. We at the MURDOCH MAROON detect NorthAmerican urban evolution as good cities versus evilones; and the two opposing poles in this epic struggleare copesetic Gary, Indiana, versus that burgeoningboondoggle of burghal badness, Newark, New Jer¬sey.Why was Newark created? Only one possible rea¬son exists — New Yorkers, being lazy and slovenlyby nature, simply dump their trash on the nearestlocale in New Jersey (as Big Apple residents lack theintelligence and ingenuity of Chicagoans who re¬versed the flow of their river to send garbage bycanal to St. Louis unfortunates). Isn’t Newark Kuvia-sungnerk-lingo for place of Big Apple discarded coreaccumulation?Now Gary — there’s a real city for you. Situated onthe still slightly scummy yet serene southern shoresof Lake Michigan, with smokestack skylines setagainst a grayish orange ozone sky, and that pecu¬liar odor — can there be any doubt it is an aphrodis¬iac for lovers of urban America? Whereas Newarkhas no worthwhile diversions, can any city match thegentle, lulling rhythms of gunshots and stab thrustswhich Gary offers.Look who spent their lifetimes closer to Newarkthan Gary — Lenin, Stalin, S. Barrett Tillman andEd Koch. Now look at those from the actual cityproper of Gary — Frank Borman, famed spacecadet, intellectual baseball phenom Ron Kittle, andpresidential candidate Michael Jackson (is it Jesse?Well, Jesse, Reggie, Andrew, Michael, Kate — what¬ever). Consider the sports area — Newark and New Jer¬sey constantly connive to steal teams rightfully be¬longing to New York. And the teams they steal justshow Newark’s dumbness — can you imagine steal¬ing the Giants, Jets, Nets, and a bozo team from akwich-eating sport like soccer when you can taketeams from real sports like the Yankees andRangers? Look at Gary’s sports — the glamorousNorthern States Football League and industrialleague baseball. There ain’t no suburbanite wimpsrunning around in shorts in those sports. Gary ath¬letes not only can’t say kwich, they can’t spellkwich.As for other professional sports teams, who needsthem? If Chicago ever tries to send any of its losersto us, we’ll consider it a declaration of war. We inGary prefer raising missionaries to rescue neighbor¬ing sports teams, as Ron Kittle demonstrated by giv¬ing punch to the South Side Hit Men. While Newark is clearly diabolical, some wouldsay Gary only appears good because of its proximityacross the lake to Hyde Park. There, these ignoramiassert, 15-watt light bulbs burn overhead of the self-proclaimed intellectual geniuses and cast lightacross the lake and thus illuminate Gary. Not only issuch a view blockheaded, chuckleheaded, hammer¬headed, numskulled, pinheaded, and thickheaded,it’s also dumb. Hyde Park is nothing more than theArmpit of the Solar System and the Crotch of the Uni¬verse. Mentioning Hyde Park and Gary in the samesentence is like comparing beautiful Bridgeport toslimy Sauganash.Granted, Gary has its drawbacks. It is in Indiana,never known to enhance a city’s reputation. It’s onlynewspaper is infamous for employing ex-editors ofour worthless predecessors, the Chicago Maroon.But when all is said and done, remember Gary’s thebest, so to hell with the rest.Gary, IndianaSTUDENT GOVERNMENT ELECTIONSApril 11 &12These following positions shall be available:5 Executive officersPresidentVice-PresidentTreasurerSecretaryFinance Committee Chair46 Assembly representativesUndergraduates, by housing locationBlackstone/Breckenridge/Greenwood (2)Burton-Judson (1)Pierce (2)Shoreland (4)Hitchcock/Snell (1)Woodward (2)Fraternities (2)Commuters (1)Independent Housing (3) Graduates, by Division or SchoolBiological Sciences Division (2)Humanities Division (3)Physical Sciences Division (2)Social Sciences Division (5)Business School (6)Divinity School (2)Law School (3)Library School (1)Medical School (2)Public Policy School (1)Social Service Administration (1)6 Student-Faculty-Administration Court membersNominating petitions are available in the Student Government officeand Student Activities Office, Ida Noyes Hall.I ALL PETITIONS ARE DUE SATURDAY, APRIL 7,1984 12 NOON IN THE SG OFFICE.]Questions should be addressed to Tim Wong, Chairman of Electionand Rules Committee at 962-9732 or 324-4305.10—THE MURDOCH MAROON—Sunday, April 1,1984Spectacular Spring SaleLook'What$3375Buf You'v. SoftensBans* & OK -VisioDad<bMS• NEW SUPER-SOFTHIGH OXYGENTRANSFER ULTRATHINNew super-soft highly oxygen transferable lenses used tocorrect those patients who were previous soft lens failures.*43.75 • SUPER WET FLEXIBLE-ONLY *29.95Super-thin highly wettable lens specifically designed to correctthose patients who were previous hard contact lens failures.AND FOR ONLY $9900THE NEW 30-DAY EXTENDED WEARCONTACT LENSES The ones you sleep with; no more cleaning or sterilizingnightly, no more daily insertion and removal; wake up inthe morning and see.or,THE NEW GLAMOROUS TINTED Aquamarine, sapphire, topaz, emerald and cocoa. For thatLENSES nCW 8*amorous you—ac^ sPar^^e t0 y°ur eyes!or,THE NEW ASTIGMATISM If you ever have been told that you couldn’t wear softCORRECTING SOFT LENSES lenses due to astigmatism, now you probably can....and last but not least,THE VERY LATEST GAS PERMEABLE The lens that breathes.SILICON ACRYLATE LENS FORSUPER VISION & SUPER COMFORTIf you want the very best, come to the very best!Contact Lenses & SpecsUnlimitedNow at three convenient locations:1051N. Rush St, Chicago • 642-EYESAt State/Cedar/Rush, above Solomon Cooper Drugs2566 N. Clark St, Chicago • 880-54001724 Sherman Ave., Evanston • 8644441 Our Promise to You:•We will continue to providethe highest standard of professional careto you, our patient•To continue to provide you with only thefinest name brand contacts, lenses & framesavailable, and to personally back them withour money-back guarantee.All contact lens fitting by our contact lens specialists,Dr. S. C. Fostiak, Optometrist, and associates.Limn 1 per patient. lr(Include*: eye examination, training, wearing in*ructions and carrying cut.)THE MURDOCH MAROON—Sunday, April 1, 1984—11Profs cruise, students snoozeBy Bea IdleDean Levine saidWednesday that the pre¬exam reading periodwould be extended fromtwo days to four weeks.This came as a result of aCollege-wide poll on thepresent review period.Most students expresseda desire for more time tostudy.* “One student told mehe would use the fourweeks to party but I thinkhe was just a visitingNorth westerner,” Levineobserved, continuing, “Ihope this study period ex¬tension will establish Chi¬cago as the foremost in¬trospective school in thecountry. Personally, Iplan to try to find Plato inmy new spare time.”Classes will be optionaland no new material canbe presented in thosefour weeks. To ensurethat professors will nottry to teach anythingnew, they will be sent onan instructional cruise tothe Bering Straits to ob¬serve whales.Levine feels stronglyabout preventing newmaterial from beingtaught — he has alreadyanticipated some profes¬sors calling back to Chi¬cago to conduct classesby phone. There will beno communication de¬ vices on the cruise ships.Levine remarked, “I’msick of these professorswho are so wrapped up inteaching. I will personal¬ly shoot anyone who evenlooks like he’s thinkingabout it on the cruise.”However, the readinglist for all classes duringfifth through tenth weekswill be tripled. One stu¬dent said, “I don’t carehow many books they as¬sign as long as they ex¬tend the Law Library’shours on weekends.”The four weeks readingperiod is partly an eco¬nomic move by the Ad¬ministration to cut pro¬fessor’s salaries. HannaGray, University presi¬dent admitted, “We’vefound that it costs less tosend them (professors)on a third-rate cruisethan pay them to teach.Besides, think of howmany secretaries we’ll beable to fire!”This plan seems to ap¬peal to professors as well.One prof commented,“By cutting four weeksoff the schedule, I’ll finishwith midterms and havea good stretch to catch upon sleep, get a tan, andwork on my empirical re¬search of abnormal whitewhale spouting.”So far, the only profes¬sorial opposition to the plan has come from thelanguage departments.The whale’s mode of com¬munication has only beenlinked to Chinese. That isthe sole language withenough symbols to evendistantly resemble themammal’s sounds.Hanna Gray has pro¬mised language instruc¬tors that there will beextra shuffleboard courtsavailable for them to re¬medy this.Not all students favorthe four-week studyperiod though. RickSzesny, chairman ofSGFC complained, “NowI’ll have even more clubsbegging for funds. Howcan I decide whether theBlue-Mohawked NavelContemplators of theCan’t All Unionized Stu¬dents Eat (CAUSE)group deserves the requi¬site SGFC $5 to alleviateboredom?”Dean Levine said thathe will offer his 6 a.m. na¬ture walks at no charge toany students who are ableto complete their read¬ings.Another disgruntledstudent opposed the read¬ing period saying, “Withall the work I am alreadyassigned, do they (the Ad¬ministration) really ex¬pect me to stick aroundfor four weeks to do more4 4 # •'+ #••Chamberlin Theater and House of III ReputeKing Sleaze lives onBy Linda LovelaceChamberlin, the infa¬mous all-male house inBJ, will open the HydePark Theater in HarperCourt. The house plans torun its successful pornflic series there.They plan to raisemoney for their cham¬pagne orgies by charginga $15 admission fee.Leather tee shirts saying“I survived the hot andheavy Chamberlin pornflic with my reputationuntainted” will be sold aswell for $50.This fundraisingscheme which was start¬ed 10 years ago by theFabulous Five Frustrat¬ed Freshman was namedBest Sleazy Idea of 1975by the Future Pomo- graphers of Iceland.One resident said ofbuying the theater, “Weplan to appeal to man’sprimal urges. We want tobring out secret by lettingour frustration to a largeraudience. It’s worked forus as our house GPA of3.97 shows. Celibacy isthe surest way to aca¬demic achievement.”The theater is currentlybeing renovated to in¬clude more patron pri¬vacy. Binoculars and 3-Dglasses will be availablefor $35 per showing. It ishoped that the renova¬tions will make the the¬ater more personal andintimate. “We want tomake it seem like the ac¬tion is happening right inthe seat next to each of our patrons,” one Cham¬berlin resident comment¬ed.Some of the movieswhich Chamberlin plansto show are: Debbie DoesLaw School, The Impor¬tance of Being Earnes-tine, Short and Sleazy: ADocumentary on SexualDysfunction, and LittleBig Man Walks Tall.Chamberlin also hopesto initiate the firstcampus chapter ofAphrodisiac Users Anon¬ymous as another fun¬draising scheme. A $150membership fee will becharged. One residentcommented, “We’ll beable to buy a lot of boozeand IM tee shirts withthis money.” reading and be deniedclasses on top of that? I’drather go skiing. All I cansay is that if the partyscene doesn’t at least do¬uble in activity, I’m going to transfer to U Miami. Atleast they get January oftto work on their tans.”An electrically wiredfence is currently beingbuilt around the school to prevent students fromleaving. Hanna Graycreate the total learningenvironment. At $15,000 ayear it’s a real bar¬gain.”Students protest the new four-week reading periodFABULOUS ACTIVITIES BOARD ^PRESENTSTHE DOORSTHE REUNION TOURJIM MORRISON* JOHN DENSM0RE* RAY MANZAREK • ROBBIE KRIEGERMANDELHALL • 8 PM• Tickets: $15 students, $25 non-students• Available at box Office in Reynold s Club• Call 964-7200 for informationHe’s hot, he’s sexy, and he’s been right here all along!12—THE MURDOCH MAROON-Sunday, April 1,1984rEarn Over $900A MonthWhile Still In School.Juniors! Seniors! If you're a math, engineering or physical sciences major,you might qualify to get a check for — ymore than $900 every month.It’s part of the Navy's NuclearPropulsion Officer CandidateProgram And the nearly$22,000 you can earn whilestill in school is just thestart v N0o;~ /«3 ff f v v" j-.When you successfullycomplete your studies andbecome a Naval officer, you ,receive an additional $6.0001bonus. On top of that you receive a year of graduate-level training you can tget anywhere else at any priceAs an officer in today s Nuclear Navy you have a career advantage no civilianI°b can offer The Navy operates over half the nuclear reactors in America.The early responsibility and unequalled experience you get as a member ofthe nuclear propulsion officer team place you among the nation s mostrespected professionals in one of the world's fastest growing fields.In addition to the professional advantages, as a nuclear-trained officer, afterfour years with regular promotions and pav increases you can be earning asmuch as $37,400 That's in addition to a full benefits packageFind out more about the unique and rewarding Nuclear Propulsion OfficerCandidate Program Call or write the Naval Management Programs OfficeNaval Management Programs, Navy Recruiting DistrictBldg 41, NAS, Codo 20, Glenview, IL. 60026<312)724-8778 (call collect)Navy Officers Get Responsibility Fast. I DRIESSHAH:UNKNOWNThere are, literally,thousands of wise people,unknown to the ordinaryman They teach in amanner which is not recog¬nised as teaching by theherd. They continuously in¬fluence manPeople who respond toauthority-figures and weirdthings are unable to makeany contact with them Oth¬er people lack informationand preparationReflectionsftcncuiiui idOctagon Press $7.95Available atSeminary Co-op Bookstore5757 S. universityUniversity of Chicago Bookstore5750 S. Ellisor promptly by mail fromISHK Book Service, Dept C-1P O Bo* 176 Los Altos. CA 94022In 1886, following a shipwreck off the west coast of Africa, an infantchild became part of a family of apes who raised and protected him.As he grew, he learned the laws of the jungle and eventually claimedthe title, Lord of the Apes.Yet, years later, when he was returned to civilization, he would remainuncertain as to which laws he should obey... those of man...or those of the jungle.Now, the director of “Chariots of Fire” captures this epic adventureof a man caught between two different worlds.Lord of the ApesA HUGH HUDSON FIUM Starring RALPH RICHARDSON • IAN HOLM JAMES FOX and introducing CHRISTOPHER LAMBERTANDIE MacDOWELL Music by JOHN SCOTT Produced by HUGH HUDSON and STANLEY S CANTERScreenplay by P H. VAZAK and MICHAEL AUSTIN Based on the storv "TARZAN OF I HE APES” bv EDGAR RICE BURROUGHSPGjHKBnW. aUBWOE ajMETTfl Directed by HUGH HUDSON IAR/AN* lr«trmark I4K/AN• *»nrd Fn Fd#ar Km r Hof roughs Iih *n*1used bs Harrier Mrm Dm fn fjernticMott oAt theaters everywhere Friday, March 30. lentatRockefeller ChapelSundays, 6:00 p.m.Lenten Discussionon Liturgy & Worshipwith a Pot-Luck DinnerApril 1“Praying for Ourselvesand for Others,” led byBernard O. BrownApril 8"Liturgy and Sacred Space,”led by Carol Jean BrownNow available in paperbackPursuitsof HappinessThe Hollywood Comedy of RemarriageStanley Cavell“No book about the art of HollywoodI have ever read can make its readersstop and think more effectively thanthis one.” — S.S. Prawer,Times Literary SupplementHarvard Film Studies $7.95Hitchcock-TheMurderous GazeWilliam Rothman“The best treatment of Hitchcock todate. It addresses what is uniqueabout Hitchcock's films... Rothman’sbook [is] clear, passionate, and witty."With more than 600 frame enlargements— Paul Thomas,American FilmHarvard Film Studies $10.95HarvardlPaperbacksFrom Harvard University PressCambridge, Massachusetts 02138The Closer You Get The Better We iMok!Hyde Park's Completely NewApartment ResidenceA Short Walk From The lake And:Harper Ct. • University of ChicagoThe l.C. • RestaurantsIncludes• Master T. V. Antenna • Sew Ceramic Tile• hid. Control Heal • Sew Appliances• Mall lo Wall Carpeting • Sight Doormen• Central Air ConditioningI Bedroom from $405 • 2 Bedroom from $5255200S. BLACKSTONEAVE.1 BLOCK WEST OF HARPER COURTTHE MURDOCH MAROON—Sunday, April 1,1M4—13Bright boy frustratedBy Fisher PriceWunderkind CorrieSmith has become theyoungest student to sitthrough classes at the Uof C without a diaperchange. He is ninemonths old and wears asize 6x suit.Corrie’s brilliance wasfirst noticed during a din¬ing hall food fight whenhe said, to one partici¬ pant, “The centrifugalforce is misdirectingyour mashed potatoes.”He has so far baffled sci¬entists by being able tofind derivatives and spellhysphemism without adictionary.Dean of Placating DanHall said of Corrie, “It’srare that we find a soccerplayer who can read andtakes showers everyother week. Of course weaccepted him. The U of Cshould have at least onepseudo-balanced studentevery ten years.”Corrie so far enjoys hisstudies and says his maindistraction is diaperrash. He remarked, “SelfTorture and Anxiety isprobably my favorite Un¬common Chore course. Imost closely identify with the authors we read be¬cause they evoke mypurely masochistic,chauvanist, chaotic ten¬dencies.”On social life at the U ofC Corrie said, “My mainproblem is that mostgirls here don’t like shortmen. Their favorite wordseems to be ‘no.’ I some¬times think of transfer¬ring to Barnard wherethere’s less male compe¬tition.”Corrie currently plansto be a physco-scocio-biomajor in the 5-month pre-med program. “I reallylike to U of C because Ican work as fast as Iwant. My only regret isthat I didn’t place intoAnalysis in Rn II.”Family of 14 finds Cobb warm, clean, and cheapBy D.D. PetersonNo one has detectedany smell, any tracewhatsoever. Students useRoom 104 in Cobb Hall forclasses every day eachquarter, and not a singleone realized that DraganPetrovich, his wife, andtheir 11 kids have holedup in the University ofChicago classroom everynight for the past eightyears, along with Grand¬ma Petrovich.“We have secret way toenter building,” Petro¬ vich, “and until last nightit worked fine.”That was Wednesdayevening, when two first-year premeds, desperateto track down their POCgrades and papers fromlast quarter, planned tobreak into Gates-Blake.As they neared Weiboldtaround 1 a.m. they no¬ticed a man squeezinghimself into a basementwindow, and they scam¬pered to their nearestwhite security phone toalert U of C security. Two cruisers arrivedhalf an hour later, andwhen the police enteredthe building the sight thatgreeted them was unbe¬lievable.“It was a virtualparty...14 of themcrammed into that littleroom eating Morry’s andwatching television,”said a U of C security de¬tective who asked not tobe identified.Petrovich had mat¬tresses spread on thefloor. The room also sported a refrigerator,Marantz stereo, two tele¬vision sets, a portablerange, not to mention thefamily’s two great danesand tropical fish.“Every morning at fivethis clown would get upand remove all that gar¬bage downstairs. It’samazing,” said anothercop.The trick behind Petro¬vich’s success was hisjob; since he came toAmerica in themid-1970’s he has worked as a janitor at Cobb Hall,and he stores all the fam¬ily belongings in thebasement during theday.“When we got thrownout of our first apartmentfor making noises, mywife she says, ‘Dragan —why don’t we movewhere you work. Nobodystay there.’ And we did,”said the 54-year old floor-mopper.The new home for thePetrovich clan workedout so smoothly that Pe¬trovich let down hisguard some times, andalmost got caught. Forinstance, four monthsago he splurged with hisChristmas bonus andbought the entire familyHarold’s chicken withextra hot sauce. An En¬glish class met during thereading period the nextday, and noticed an in¬credibly powerful odorthat seemed vaguely fa¬miliar.“Someone told me noclasses meet in readingperiod, so I buy chickensince building not haveclasses,” said Petrovich.“Then all these peopleshow up next day.”Petrovich, after he andhis two eldest sons haulthe family possessionsback to the basement,sends his children off toschool on the North Side.Petrovich figured that noofficials at the schoolwould question the CobbHall address, since theylacked a familiarity withthe South Side.Petrovich would go towork, then, and his wifewould assume her job ascook in Pierce dininghall. At the end of the daythey would have someplanned activity, then re¬turn to the building afterthe last showing of DOCfilms. On weekends, theywould simply attend thelate showing, and millaround the building untileveryone left.Since Petrovich haskeys to almost every door in the building, gatheringsupplies, hiding, and re¬trieving the belongingsfrom the basement posedno problems.“We have done this foryears,” he said, “andstill I get thrill each timeI think about I stay herefor free.”The Physical Plant De¬partment knew of Petro¬vich’s housing arrange¬ments, decided not to tellUniversity officials.“I think it’s neat,” saidone of Petrovich’s col¬leagues.“Yeah, wish I was assmart as him,” said an¬other.On the seventh anni¬versary of Petrovich’sstay in Cobb Hall, thePlant Department pooledits funds and treated Pe¬trovich and all the littlePetroviches to a hot nighton the town at ChezMorry’s. The coat and tieaffair has become one ofthe most treasured of Pe-trovich’s Hyde Parkmemories.But the question is, canhe stay in Cobb?“Why the hell not?”said a smiling HannaGray. “Do you think thisschool is cold heartedenough to throw a manand his family out in thestreets? A man’s home ishis castle, I’ve alwayssaid.”So Petrovich will con¬tinue to live in his make¬shift one-room apart¬ment as long as he staysemployed at the Univer¬sity. Dedication ceremo¬nies are in the works tochange the room’s nameto the Dragan PetrovichRoom, according toGray’s office, “or maybeuse his nickname,” saidGray.They used to call himQuasar, but now they callhim Sunshine...bright,ana not that tar away.This week's Hyde Park crime:robbery, murder, rape,arson, pillaging, debauchery.,■■ rf‘ ... j‘-: ■'t .1■.7 7. • tJv *7 •*":■ : ■■»"-* ■- ■-' ."*■ -*East Hyde Park Blvd.V 't?' . J r' v'fr : •- i,-.',.'-*: ■ .. i. -fy v-, -. '■ ~ ■ ' r - .v ' ■ ■>- •' v-; v* J■if h '»*. 7 ^ •V.- • •/*. i* ■ <• ■ • Vtii.s-Z. '■ s V •: . ‘ / .:Vv -, ' <• -.... . . • - . . . - , ... . .. ^(AIMidway PlaisarVce14-THE MURDOCH MAROON-Sunday, April 1, 1984Ralph on metaphysics, in a superior nutshellSpecial to the Maroonfrom Donald LevineIn a recent interviewwith a squirrel on thequads, I learned thecause of the world’s prob¬lems.“In a nutshell, it’s am¬bition,” he said, “Plainold greed.”“Look at the studentshere who study hard toget good grades so theycan get into a Harvardgrad school and become arich doctor or lawyer.When the FederalistsBy Bill BrownoseThe MisappropriationCommittee of StudentGovernment (SGMC) willbegin a student/professorlunch series known asStable Stalk this quarter.Students will have achance to break breadwith their teachers andclean up the crumbs aswell if they’re lucky. Thelunches, also known asGrubbing for Grades, willbe held in HutchinsonCommons. Students willbe able to pick up pointsfor holding their forksproperly, making fancynapkin arrangements,and exhibiting gentle¬manly conduct when pull¬ing out a chair for a fe¬male prof.SGMC will pay profes¬sors $100 for each lunchthey sit through. One said ‘Ambition must bemade to counteract ambi¬tion,’ they didn’t thinkabout what a mess thecompetition wouldcreate.”The squirrel, Ralph,continued, “Students seemore of the Real Worldthan they think whenthey’re here. Granted,they don’t have to sca¬venge for their food theway we squirrels do. Still,they have to get up in themorning and say ‘hi’ topeople they don’t like.anonymous prof said, “Ismell a rat in thisscheme. Either the food’slousy, SGMC memberswant better grades, or theparticipating studentswill have all had frontallobotomies.”To insure that both stu¬dents and professors staythe requisite two hoursfor lunch, Gary Ormanwill prowl through thepotted plants in HutchCommons with a subma¬chine gun. That is wherethe series’ name comesfrom.Special dishes will befeatured each day.Orman said, “We’re plan¬ning on offering Kamaka-zi Stew (for failing stu¬dents), Brain FoodPotpourri, AmbrosialAgony (for Masochisticprofessors), and Indiges- They have to be nice tosnotty professors to getthose A’s.”However, Ralph did seesome validity in the edu¬cational process. “Thestudents are happy be¬cause they’re gettingahead. They won’t haveto work at carwashes orbe garbagemen once theyhave U of C diplomas. Atleast they’re not at com¬munity colleges.”Ambition is not a prob¬lem restricted to the U ofC though. Ralph sees it astion Special. “I will stran¬gle anyone who says ourhaute cuisine is not abso¬lutely top notch. I want todispel the rumor thatMorry’s food gives profsulcers.”Orman has promised torefund the price of lunchto any students who failclasses or collapse underthe one-on-one strain.SGMC President androck band leader JoeWalsh said of the series,“We want to show stu¬dents that not all profswant to personally de¬fame their students.Profs are basicallyhuman if you pay themenough. Now we’ll justhave to hike the entrancefee for the LCB to raisemoney to keep the profshappy.” a national malady, ex¬plaining, “You think Cali¬fornians are totally mel¬low. It’s not true. They’rejust as greedy as anyoneso they create the MalibuMyth to make you thinkyou’re missing out onsomething.”Ralph by his own defi¬nition is only moderatelyambitious. “Squirrels areprobably the least com-By Reza PolovskiThe Ayatollah Kho¬meini has established aprofessorship here in Is¬lamic Studies in honor ofhis parents, Joe andMary Khomeini. “Iwouldn’t be here today ifit wasn’t for Mom andDad,” Khomeini told Peo¬ple magazine after theendowment was an¬nounced.Khomeini is using prof¬its from his best-sellingexercise and diet books tofund the chair. “Khoman-ia is sweeping thecountry,” claimed pro¬moter Don King, who ismanaging Khomeini’sAmerican financial inter¬ests. King added, “Hell,we don’t care where themoney comes from. Forour fans, we’re sellingsmall plastic Khomeinisfor the dashboards oftheir cars. And we’reeven getting money from petitive creatures onearth,” he observed mo¬destly. “God gave us ev¬erything we needed:nuts, water, trees toclimb and tails to showoff. We don’t command asmuch attention ashumans, but we still havea pretty good time.”Ralph’s solution to theworld problem? “The Uof C should go Communistpeople who hate Kho¬meini. That’s the geniusbehind the Khomeini dartboards.”According to King,Khomeini first came upwith the idea to write andmarket exercise and dietbooks during his exile in aParis suburb. “He got theidea while watching aDannon yogurt commer¬cial on television,” in¬formed King. It was thenthat Khomeini, who is inhis 80’s, decided to mar¬ket his health books,which he claims containinformation on how to en¬hance longevity.In summary, the dietbook advocates a strictregimen of water andboiled vegetables with anoccasional Snickers bar.“Nobody has ever gone tohell for eating a Snickersbar,” Khomeini informsthe reader. For exercise,readers are encouraged and prove to the worldthat ambition is not need¬ed for people to be suc¬cessful.”This article was ex¬cerpted from Levine’slatest book, entitled Talkto the Animals, a collec¬tion of Levine’s favoriteconversations with ourlittle quadrangle friends,available at the U of CBookstore.tallto participate in vigorous,communal, half-hourHate sessions. “Anyenemy is good to hate andcurse as long as he is aninfidel,” the book ad¬vises. (The book has aninstructive appendixwhich names all infidelgroups known to date. In¬fidels are listed in the fol¬lowing categories: GreatSatans, Medium-to-HighSatans, Good Satans,Fair Satans, and PoorSatans.)Although Khomeinihimself could not bereached for comment onhis donation to the U of C,his brother Billy wasreadily accessible. WhenBilly Khomeini wasasked about the endow¬ment for the chair hesaid, “I don’t understandhow a person could havesuch a high opinion of hisa*s to consider his chairendowed.”Feedbag fun for lunch Ayatollah sitsBuy s35 worth of books in theGeneral Book Department (first floor) of theBookstore and receive a coupon good for810 toward the purchase of anyQUANTUM or AUREUSSPORTSHIRTin stock in the Gift Department (second floor)of the Bookstore.This unique offer expires Friday, April 13The University of Chicago Bookstore970 East 58th StreetTHE MURDOCH MAROON—Sunday, April 1, 1984—15GESTURE ANDSYMBOL INJEWISH RITUALProf. Josef SternPhilosophy Dept, and the CollegeFRIDAY, MARCH 30 • 8:30HILLEL HOUSE • 5715 S. WOODLAWN AVE. LUTHERAN CAMPUS MINISTRYA Augustana Lutheran ChurchI—x Tuesday, April 3Holy Eucharist • 5:30 p.m.Supper & Film • 6:00 p.m.DETRICH BONHOEFFER:MEMORIES AND PERSPECTIVES5500 S. Woodlawn • 493*6452Rev. William R. Strehlow, Campus Pastors e’s a girl from tbe big city.& a reckless soldier of fortune.For a fabulous tralSjre,| they share an ad#ajj||rewritten by DIANE IHOMAS 111 IMSMl* ffllM8 mi-—PG cuomq susosnolurk AVON Tftac STARTS TODAYESQUIRE LINCOLN VILLAGE FORD CITY CIN.CHICAGO CHICAGO CHICAGO GATEWAY BREMENCHICAGO TINLEY PK.EDENS FOREST PARK MALL GRIFFITH PK. MORTON GROVENORTHBROOK FOREST PARK GRIFFITH . IN MORTON GROVFOPENS 4-6RIVER OAKS RANDHURST CINEMA WOODFIELD YORKTOWNCALUMET CITY MT. PROSPECT SCHAUMBURG LOMBARD marian realty,inc.m. REALTORStudio and 1 BedroomApartments Available— Students Welcome —On Campus Bus LineConcerned Service5480 S. Cornell684-5400IMAROON -I1—36295551STANLEY H. KAPLANEDUCATIONAL CENTERApril ClassesGMAT...GRE...SAT .ACT..4WK/MCAT SPEED READING. ..May Classes4WK/GMAT...SPEED READING....PREPARE FORMCAT * SAT * LSAT * GMAT * GREGRE PSYCH * GRE BIO # OCAT * VAT • MATINTRODUCTION to law SCHOOL* SPEED readingSSAT# PSAT*DAT* ACHIEVEMENTS* ACT* CPATOEFL * MSKP * NMB 1 T T. U1 a ECFMG * FlEXN-CLEX*CGFNS#FMGEMS*NP6 1 aESl.NCB 1SPftNG SUMMER FALL INTENSIVESCourses constantly updated tiembieprograms and Hours Visit any center andsee tor yoursett wny «*e maxe tnedifference Speed Pead'ng Coursefeatures Free Demo esson—Can 'o'days & times■Neper,*!*- Speoeaa A-X* ’iMARLINGTON HEIGHTS 312) 437-6650CHICAGO CENTER 3121764*5151HIGHLAND PARK 312,433*7410LA GRANGE CENTER 312) 352-5640OuiaaJe N v Stale Only Can Ton ■ a. 800 223 ' *82Cereeri » May* u S Cea* Puane R«x rc*o**o Eanao*5254 S. Dorchester Ave.Walk to museums, parks, the lakeSTUDIO APARTMENTSFurnished and unfurnishedutilities includedLaundry roomSundeck • Secure buildingCampus bus at our doorCall 9-5 for appointment324-020018—THE MURDOCH MAROON—Sunday, April 1, 1984Word SearchFind the words listedbelow in the puzzle. Cir¬cle or shade in the words,and read off the remain¬ing letters to find our se¬cret message. BLIZZARDCOBBCOREGALAGOTHICGRAYGRINDHYDE PARKIDA NOYES IZODJIMMY’SLABBIESLAKELOOPMIDWAYQUADREGRATWIND CHILLZ SMITHA P G R K S S E 1 B B A LR 1 A L Z R E F S G O O LE L L S T S A Y H R E A 1G R A Y D C M P O 1 S Z HR A R E 1 M O 1 E N O E CA F R H 1 O Q O T D A R DT O T J L R E U A H Y D NC O B B L 1 Z Z A R D H 1G L L A K E Y A W D 1 M WThe Murdoch MaroonAnna HupertEditorJeffrey TaylorManaging EditorCliff GraromichNews EditorMichael ElliottNews EditorSondra KruegerFeatures Editor Frank LubySports EditorJesse HalvorsenGrey City Journal EditorBrian MulliganGrey City Journal EditorArthur U. EllisPhotography EditorKC MorrisPhotography Editor Chris ScottAdvertising ManagerRobin TotmanOffice ManagerJoshua SalisburyBustness ManagerLinda LeeProduction ManagerCampbell McGrathChicago Literary tteview EditorAssociate Editors: Hilary TillStaff: Edward Achuck, Rosemary Blinn, Mark Blocker, Phil Cafaro, Anthony Casbman,Maxwell Chi, Shong Chow, Wally Dabrowski, Paul Flood, Joel Geffin, Philip Glist, AudreyGuzik, Don Haslam, Edward Hernstadt, Victor King, Keith Horvath, Mike Kotze, CathyLeToumeau, Mike Levin, Jeff Makos, Ravi Rajmane, Leah Schlesinger, Nathan Schoppa,Geoff Sherry, Ellyn Streed, Bob Travis, Donna Tritter, Michelle Ward. Training for the ElBy Lake D. RyanCall me a fool, but I likethe Howard El.Running from 63rd andStony Island to HowardStreet, the green andwhite trains provide mewith a thrill unmatched inUS public transportation.Its convenience, reliabili¬ty, and its course throughthe South Side are adream come true forarmchair archeologistsof the 20th century likemyself. The ruins of acity once proud, the build¬ings frozen in time, thevacant lots. . .riding theHoward El puts the pas¬senger on a metaphysicalfence between the realityof bricks and buildingsand the compelling so¬cioeconomic questions ofa modern, urban society.“I’ve never had a prob¬lem on the El,” one ridertold me, as we boardedthe train at the Garfieldstop. He wedged his 6-9,265 pound frame into aseat, and amplified hisearlier point.“You know, I’ve beentravelling this route for,must be going on tenyears now. It’s fun towatch a scenery change.I feel like I’m in a moviesometimes, you know,‘cause I start thinkingabout stuff I don’t think ofon the Dan Ryan or a bus,for instance. “It’s a whole differentworld and perspective,like a trip, man.”The trains brim withsame basic characterseach trip. Peddlers travelthe aisles, from train totrain, offering incense,rolling papers, buttons,and sometimes calen¬dars. Then this magicalhead shop on wheels pullsinto the stops between47th street and IIT, andsuddenly you’re on a wartrain, bound for the front,not knowing if you willsurvive. The gangs board— quietly, confidently —and tension permeatesthe car because the nextstop is Roosevelt on the Aand Harrison on the Btrains, and that’s an end¬less stretch of some 20blocks or so.I feel uncomfortable.Even with my friend themonolith one seat away,this trip bothered memore than usual, and Itried not to make eye con¬tact with those aroundme. That’s when I startlooking out the window.In all my surveys of thearea the track cutsthrough, I loved the oldMichigan Hotel on 23rdand Michigan the most. Iused to like the ChicagoColiseum, and I’d recallthat it was once a warmuseum. My thoughtsonce again return to per¬ sonal safety. The Coli¬seum, I figured, plantedthose memories in mymind to sober me as thetrain plunged into itsdark tunnel home under¬neath the Loop.Our stop was Fullerton,the first stop after thetrain slithers from its tun¬nel and into the sunlight. Isquint, feeling like I hadnot seen the sun for days,and I’m relieved. I havesurvived. The war trainnow becomes a plain oldvehicle, sterile, uninspir¬ing, much like its alterego, the Dan Ryan.The spiritual trialsbrought on by this experi¬ence allow potential forfantastic growth. Youcome down from the“Howard High,” so tospeak, when you step ontoyour platform, and theworld is just not the sameanymore. I can’t trans¬late that feeling intowords; it’s like trying toexplain LSD to someonewho has never tried it. Todo is to learn.So next time the Loopbeckons and you have toride the CTA, forego thetemptation to take theJeffrey express or theDan Ryan, and get off thebus under those menac¬ing gray tracks at PrairieAve. The Howard El — itwill change your life.#■IIIIIIII INTRAMURAL SPORTSSPRING QUARTER1984Tennis-d - (M,W,C)Ultimate Frisbee - (C)Softball - (M,W,C)Archery - (M,W,C)Horeshoes - (M,W,C)Photo Contest (M,W,C)OPEN RECREATION| Racquetball-s - (M,W)^Tennis-s - (M,W) “^4iApril 4 |April 4 |April 9 |April 11 IApril 11 IMay 30 IApril 5April 12 I/ f HILLEL SEDER WORKSHOP§ Wednesday, April 4,8:00 • 10:00 p.m.A complete workshop, covering thehistory and traditions of Passover, thestructure and content of the Haggadah,and the actual making of a Seder - thetable setting, rituals, and food.A second workshop will take placeApril 12.HILLEL HOUSE • 5715 5. WOODLAWN AVE.BEERSCHLITZOLD MILWAUKEEHAMM’SPABSTOLYMPIA24-12 oz. cans(warm only)$3«BECK’SIMPORTEDGERMANIt. or dark6-12 oz. bottles 'warm only PRICE REDUCTION SALE! *■«*...1979 MOREAUCHABL1S750 mlANSELNIWINES750 mlANDRECHAMPAGNE750 mlKORBELCHAMPAGNE750 ml ororor WINE84993/4284993/40*2"2/f586" RIUNITEWINES750 mlGUIMARRAWINES1 ItrCANEIWINES750 mlGALLOWINES1.5 ItrWE DELIVER!$10.00 minimum*’ plus delivery chargeWE ACCEPT VISA/MASTERCARD & CHECKS : 3/30-4/5LIQUORororor 2/*5$0593/s9*3”2/'53/*8 SEAGRAM’SSEVENCROWN $6„GILBEY’SS? *6”HOUSE OFSTUARTSCOTCH ,6„ JIMBEAM ft^oo1 hr *6”CALVERTEXTRA $6<#RON CIELORUM ,5„E&JBRANDY ,?4,K IMBARK LIQUORS 493-& WINE SHOPPE 33551214 E. 53rd St.Ill Kimbark Plaza Hoars:»■«.: Nooa-MUIalahtMoa.-Tfcars.: • a.as.-l m.mPri. A •«*.; • m.m.2 JTHE MURDOCH MAROON—Sunday, April 1, 19*4-17Interested in . . .• Sacramental Worship?• Reincarnation?• Freedom of Conscience and Belief?• Self-Realization?• Meditation?• Western Mystery School Tradition?• Esoteric and Arcane Wisdom?• Doctrine-Without Dogma? NSo were the ancient Church Fathers . .And so is the modern ...Liberal Catholic ChurchVisit . . .CHURCH OF ST. FRANCIS1945 N. Mozart 1900 n<wwChicago. Illinois 60647 3800 vV#stTel 489-0440 or 424-8329 Holy Eucharist: SundaysEnglish - 10:45 A MSpanish — 9:00 A M. ArrrviageATTENTION BSCD STUDENTSINTERESTED IN UNDERGRADUATE RESEARCHSummer ResearchFellowship StipendsAre AvailableStudents interested in applying for a stipend should contact ProfessorGerson Rosenthal, Gates-Blake 17, no later than April 10, 1984. FROSTINGHENNAGLAZINGCELLOPHANE...Additional Hair Coloring services areavailable or can be designed to achieve yourdesired effect. Ask your designer for aFREE color consultation( hair performers )Sale begins March 15 - Ends May 30OPEN 7 DAYS1621 E. 55th St.„241-7778GaIIery of HomesSANTEFORT COWING, REALTORS®Relocation Service Center, 1032 Sterling Avenue, Flossmoor, IL 60422(312) 957-0600If you are considering suburbanliving as an alternative to HydePark, please call for information onhousing, schools, transportation,and various communities. Universityof Chicago recommendationsavailable from this skilled profes¬sional with U. of C. affiliation. CallBarbara Steele at 957-0600IDEAL FLOSSMOOR LOCATIONWalk to the I.C. from this maintenance-free, 4bedroom, 2l/i bath home. Large rooms, pretty fenc¬ed yard. Eat-in kitchen, family room, recreationroom, central air. $129,900 EeSenIN HYDE PARK ON THE LAKEAlways the First in Luxury Amenities isDelighted to Offer a Televideo Tie-in toany University Mainframe.Still another amenity for the exclusiveuse of our residents.Leasing office and model openMonday-Friday: 11-7, Saturday & Sunday:12-5.5050-5020 South Lake Shore Drive«Chicago, IL 60615BY THE CLINTON COMPANY18—THE MURDOCH MAROON-Sunday, April 1, 1984A CAUSE for geography and abortion lettersThe MURDOCHMAROON announcesthee final results of let¬ter-writing league com¬petition. We thank all ofyou budding rhetoriti- cians for more than ade¬quately expressing youropinions on any subjectthat anybody caresabout, and then some.The finalists will have the next two weeks to submitletters for their team asour celebrity judges se¬lect the winning teamfrom this World Series ofSuper Bowl letter writ¬ ing. First, a seasonrecap:In the geographyleague, East easily out¬distanced the rest of thecountry, as the followingBoy raised by Ryerson wolvesConstruction workersfound a boy who had beenabandoned in the base¬ment of Ryerson lastTuesday. The origins ofthis mysterious boy areyet still unknown.After preliminary in¬vestigation, it seems like¬ly the boy has been livingin Ryerson for all of hislife. He is about elevenyears old, and has spentevery day of his life in anisolated cave deep in thebasement.Moments after receiv¬ing news about the boy,the anthropology depart¬ment of the Universityquickly assembled. Theirspecial assault unit vanwas immediately loadedwith anthropology stu¬dents. Sirens blared asthey sped acrosscampus.The special assault unittook the basement bystorm. As they stormedinto the boy’s cave in thebasement several slow-moving math studentswere trampled by theanthropologists. Inter¬views were conducted,pictures taken, and re¬ports filed. Their first order of business was toput a pin on their map todenote the sighting at Uof C.Miles Shanahan, grad¬uate anthropology stu¬dent, conducted an exten¬sive interview with theyoung boy. “It’s just in¬credible,” he said. “Theboy was obviously left inthe basement as an in¬fant. It seems that he hasbeen raised by the sav¬age physics tribe ofSouthern Ryerson.”In his report, Shanahansays the boy has neverseen the light of day. Thisis because the tribe be¬ lieves sunlight is harm¬ful.“The boy was obvious¬ly raised by remnants ofthe Physics Studenttribe,” Shanahan said. “Icould tell by the way hewas dressed.”According to reports,the boy was founddressed in a torn flannelshirt with several buttonsmissing. He was alsowearing a peculiar fittingpair of brown polyesterpants. His feet were cov¬ered by unmatched sockswith many holes and apair of boots purchasedfrom the bins between aisles in a neighborhoodgrocery story.The boy was left withthe linguistics depart¬ment for a day, which hasdetermined that the pri¬mitive sounds the boymakes are a combinationof Asian and SoutheastAsian languages. Theonly words of Englishthis boy can speak are“Morry Burger.”Construction workershad noticed traces of theboy in Ryerson for sever¬al weeks. Several compli¬cated mathematical for¬mulae were scrawled onthe dusty floors of Ryer-son’s basement, butworkers weren’t suspi¬cious. As one construc¬tion worker, PatrickO’Hara, said, “Heck, Ijust thought it was one ofthose guys studying for atest or something. Itdidn’t seem that odd tome.”The mysterious boy isin the anthropology de¬partment now. The stu¬dents have given the boythe name “Fermi Lef¬tover.” He is currentlyundergoing a long seriesof tests to determine hisorigin. scores show: Pro-East,9,867 words; anti-East,7,545; pro-West, 3,452;anti-West, 4,223; pro-Midwest, 1,233; anti-Mid¬west, 1,1086; pro-South2,345; anti-South, 1,445;pro-Oblong, Illinois 45;anti-Oblong, 16. Benchstrength and naturalwritten verbosity helpedthe East outdistance therest here.Among Student Gov¬ernment, CAUSE showedthe most potential for theupcoming championship,generating 17, 898, 425,116 words, falling just 256words short of the letterscaused by the Orly’s ad ofSeptember 25, 1981.WHPK was a distant sec¬ond with 746 words. Still,it should be pointed outthat WHPK’s words morethan doubled the numberof their listeners.The roughest competi¬tion occurred in the abor¬tion league, where pro-choice aborted pro-life’schampionship hopes, 9,654, 821, 007 to 9, 654, 811,007. Trying as hard asthey did, the leading writ¬ers for the pro-liferscouldn’t make up the nu¬merical strength of thepro-choicers.Several writers areworthy of mention in ourpost-regular seasonprizes. They are:R. Stratford Shields,the winner of the DavidShapiro Most OffensiveWriter Award, for his contributions on Britisheducation. Shields’s ac¬complishment is no¬teworthy in that whileother writers tried to beoffensive, Stratford man¬aged to win this awardaccidentally with whatseemed to be a simple, ifill-informed, view of Brit¬ish education.S. Barrett Tillman, thewinner of the HaroldWashington PretentiousLanguage Usage Award,for his not totally copese-tic use of polysyllabic ut¬terances in a single pub¬lished piece. Tillman isalso known for the larg¬est single contribution at946, 223 words, and theMathematical Coinci¬dence Award, as theepercentage of Tillman’sarticle which was readwas the multiplicative in¬verse of the number ofwords in his article.Cliff Grammich wasthe winner of the MikeRoyko National Under¬standing Award, for hiscontributions to develop¬ing an extended dialogueto the understanding ofthe nation’s various re¬gions and cultures.Finally, Nicholas J.Lynn for the Editors’ Ap¬preciation Award, for hisability to summarize themost important issues onthis campus in one-tenthas many words as therehave been letters on trivi¬al problems- at the Uni¬versity.WIN CASH & PRIZES IN UCID SWEEPSTAKES!!Rules:FMW? vzwmww-M-jimm! next new Morry’s I4) Winners ere determined by random numbers cbo-sen at me computation center oy a seven in yearcomputer science major «hh wait ins for the Univer-sity to offer him a degree.5) In case of tie the winner is chosen by the editorialstaff of Spectator (they will know who needs themoney the most).ENTRY BLANKNameI.D. #Major"I won $500 in the UCID Sweepstakes,but remember:YOU'VE GOT TO BE IN ITTO WIN IT!!" Are you a graduating senior?□ YES □ NOENTER NOW!!Listen to WHPK, 88.3 FM, at 8 a.m.each day to find out daily winners!!SPACEGarret Apt. 4'/2 rooms large master bdrm.smaller study or kid's room very conv. located55th & Cornell Prefer married couple staff orgrad/stud, call 726-3966 leave name & number.$440/mo.4 BED, 2BA condo, rent or purchase. 52nd $725incl heat. 684 5030 bef 9am or eves.CONDO FOR SALE Spacious, beautifullyrenovated 4'/2 room in grt location 1 BR, modkit DR, Oak tlrs, molded ceilings, no bugs, excel managmt, low taxes & assmt, $44500, 643-2934.Studio avail. May 1. Quiet grad stud pref.Utilities incl. $250 & $290 Pis leave mess, if noanswer. 241-6875Can Be 2 OR 3 Bdrm56th & Kimbark, Oak Firs, Sunny Well KeptBldg. Full DR, $60,000. Call 876-3512 OR 947-9432.Non-smoking female wanted to share 2-bdrmapt near 55 8, Dorchester $225/mo. Avail imm-ed. Grad student preferred. 241-7674 eves, bef10pm.Fern rmmte to share 2br/2bath, 1600 sq ft apt.E View Pk prefer non smoker grad stud or pro¬fessional $338 incl heat 288-6518 eve/wknd Aprilrent free.Large, Sunny bedroom 8. pvt bath in pvt apt.neat 58th Dorchester, $235 Call 643-3344 after5pm. Available immediately.SPACIOUS CONDO. 3br IV2 ba. Huge Ir 8, mstrbr, wdbng frpl, totally remodeled kitch 8,baths. Open house Sun 12-5 5525 Blackstone 2885775.Airy Spacious Condo for Sale 2 Bedrooms 2Baths Lakeview Woodparquet Floors Well-maintained Building Call 947-4048 or 955-4560Furnished room w/telephone, bath. Also kit¬chen privileges. In private home near 56th 8.Blackstone. For responsible non-smoking stu¬dent. $120/mo. 288-1474 wkends 8. eves keeptrying.Lg or Sm BR in 7-rm apt avail, least opt. Mustbe quiet, NON-smoking, and love cats. 947-8262.E Hyde Pk Lg deluxe 3 bd 2 b condo fireplacegarage possible financing 493-2179Accepting app. for studios avail beg. May 1.Quiet, non-smoking grad stud pret. 241-6875leave mess. 667-5153. 3:00 to 8:00pm.CONDO FOR SALE BY OWNER. Ideal forstudents or faculty. 3 BR 54th & Greenwood onUC mini bus route. Bldg well managed $52,400.241-7208.Fern grad stud or wkg wmn to share beaut2bdrm on Hyde pk blvd & 54th $225 avail imm288-2622.For Sale By Owner: Spacious One BedroomCondo 3rd fl-very sunny 3 blks to UC Call 947-9208IV2 rm lakeside studio avail immed, secure,close to stores, CTA, UC buses, $345/mo 363-6986 eve.STUDIO available in JUNE. Large w/newkitch secure bldg Indry 57 & BLKSTN call 241 -72801 br in 3br apt 54th & Kimbark. Laundry inbldg, close to Mr G, sunporch. Util June 15 624-3145 CarolFOR SALECokin Special Effects Filters Pro SeriesTwo for One SaleModel Camera 1342 E 55th St. 493-6700TAG SALE: housewares, kitchenware, dishes,desks, books, clothing, miscellaneous. Saturday Sunday March 31 April 1, 9 to 2pm 4827 S.Kenwood.AGFA FILM SALE3 rolls Agfachrome 200 reg $25 spec $14.95MODEL CAMERA 1342 E 55th St. 493-6700TRS 100 Portable Computer, 20% off retailprice or best offer, used 2 months. Perfect fornotetaking, weighs 5 lbs. Has 24K memory,software for Basic & wordprocessing. Call BillSterner 962-7172, leave message.HP 41CV like new $160 or best offer 624 3145Stereo chairs shelves matr books dishs foldngdoor cloths etc Sat 31st 10 3 1603 E 55th St.PEOPLE WANTEDNeed Babysitter for twin girls age 7.6:30 am to9:00am Mon - Fri. Ref. Req. 643 5109.Graduate students for occasional babysittingthrough summer. Two nice kids 324-9533.Wanted: Responsible Person To Car Share.Good running toyota w/full insurance 955 3661Japenese speaking person for free lance interpreter or guide work—students or theirspouses preferred, call Sue 363-6214.TEST YOURSELF. Can you manage your timeproductively? Work 2 4 hrs/wk consistently?Are you success oriented? Self-motivated?Marketing position available on campus. 1-800243 6679Student Help Wanted. Dog Walker (2 Yorkies).A.M. only or P.M. only or A.M. 8, P.M. Mon THE MURDOCH MAROON—Sunday, April 1,1984—19CLASSIFIEDSThru Fri. Salary Negotiable Character Refs.Vic 55th Shore Drive. Call Mon thru Thurs eveaft 8pm 288-6266 daytime call 962-1984 ask forDr. ET.Don't like to read aloud but want to help blindstudents? Recording for the Blind needsmonitors to help produce recorded books. Tovolunteer call: 288 7077 M-F 10-5 On campus.Seeking a warm, responsible adult to care forour active 10-month old; 20-30 hrs/wk; yourhouse or ours. Call 268 0686.Caretaker for boy, 6 some afternoons, 2-5; call955-3623, 7-9 weekdays.MESSENGERAfternoons, 1:30 pm to 6:00 pm, MondayFriday Deliver, pickup documents,miscellaneous office tasks, relieve on switchboard. Must be familiar with city streets,locations, public transportation. Must havedriver's license. Prefer with car; will payparking and mileage plus salary. Loop location. Call for appointment.337-2400Help Wanted. Must be Photo/video orientedperson, apply in person. Model Camera 1342 E.55th.SERVICESJUDITH TYPES-and has a memory. Phone955 4417.JAMES Processor/Typist/Editor: 363-0522PRECISION PLUS TYPING IBM WordProcessor-Fast accurate service at reasonablerates includes editing. 324-1660.Moving and Hauling. Discount prices to staffand students from $12/hr. With van, or helpersfor trucks. Free cartons delivered N/C Packing and Loading services. Many other services. References. Bill 493-9122.Passport photos while you wait. On Campus.Other photo services available. 962-6263. Typing — fair priced, rush jobs, editing. Alsoby dictaphone/phone dictation. English,French and Hebrew. Call 667-0956.VIDEOTAPE RENTALS VSH onlyAsk about our Introductory SpecialsMODEL CAMERA 1342 E 55thHYDE PARK ACUPRESSURECENTER—call 955 3661. Relax and enjoy thebalancing effects of Chinese massage Studentrates availableRoosevelt Univ LSAT GMAT Prep-Loop &Suburbs, Free Sample Class at RU 6:30 LSAT5/17, GMAT 5/16. 341 3660.WEDDING Photography & InvitationsYour Wedding Day should be special. It's atime of gathering and celebration with yourfriends and relatives. Good professional por¬traiture and documentation of this specialevent lasts forever. Visit with us.The BETTER IMAGE 1344 E. 55th643-6262We Have The Lowest Airfares To Europe AndAcross America! For Free Color Brochure,Write to: Campus Travel Box 11387 St. Louis,Mo. 63105.Professional Word Processor (IBM) 363 0522. 'Passport Photso while U wait.Model Camera, 1342 E 55th. 493-6700SCENESAMNESTY INTERNATIONAL meets atcrossroads 5621 Blackstone on Monday, Apr 2,at 7:15pmPERSONALSMY FOXY CHUGGLES: WELCOME BACK!No greasy afterfuel this quarter 'cuz the majoris major. Just don't pop in front unless Chugprovoked, KO? Your admirer, Chug.I'm gonna get behind the Curtain if it takes mea lifetime. Just you wait and see! Estontsa STUDENTS - PARENTS - IN¬VESTORS. Here is your chance -University Park - top floor, northview. Excellent condition. Priceadjustment announced. Studio at$22,500. Don’t miss out!THIS 2 BEDROOM, 2 BATH CO¬OP has completely remodeled kit¬chen and new carpet in living/din¬ing area at the Promontory with aspectacular view. Priced at $47,500for immediate sale. Call now forappointment.HERE IS THE HOME FOR YOUIN JACKSON HIGHLANDS -just a few minutes from the univer¬sity. This large 4 bedroom 3'/j bathbeauty boasts a woodburningfireplace in the living room, withden and solarium. Enjoy the widestaircase of natural wood andoriginal panelling - illuminated bylovely Art Glass fixtures. Theheated garage has a rented coachhouse apartment. Lovely yard andgarden on a corner lot for$270,000.HYDE PARK PSYCHOTHERAPYASSOCIATES: We work together to offer helpfor a wide range of problems. Most of our of¬fices are in the university area. Answering svc.288-2244.TYPING - Experienced Secretary typesReports, Dissertations, Tables - All Material,Grammar Corrected. 1 Day Service MostCases. 667-8657.Babysitting my place graduate wife com¬fortable comfy house, inexpensive rates call363-8942 THE GROUPGALA hosts a discussion/coffeehouse everyTues at 9pm at 5615 S. Woodlawn Preced at 8 byinformal Coming Out rap group. All interestedmen 8. women, old & new are welcome. 962-9734.4TH YEARUNDERGRADUATESEarn $4.00 in less that 30 minutes by par¬ticipating in a study on long term memory.Call 962-8859, after 1pm.Put the pastin yourfuture!LIVE IN AN HISTORIC LANDMARKThoroughly renovated apartments offer the convenience ofcontemporary living space combined with all the best elementsof vintage design. Park and lakefront provide a natural settingfor affordable elegance with dramatic views.—All new kitchens and appliances —Community room—Wall to wall carpeting —Resident manager—Air conditioning —Round-the-clock security—Optional indoor or outdoor —Laundry facilities onparking each floor—Piccolo Monde European gourmet food shop and cafeStudios, One, Two and Three Bedroom ApartmentsOne Bedroom from $505* Two Bedroom from $700Rent includes heat, cooking gas, and master TV antennaOffice hours: Sat 11-5, Sun 12-5, Or call for information andYlon-Th 12-7, Fri 12-4 _,y " "■ -v appointment—643-1406CfOmdemmifloMse1(>»2 East 56th Street^hi Hyde Park, across the park fromThe Museum of Science and IndustryEqual Housing Opportunin Managed b\ Metmplex. Inc UNBELIEVABLE BARGAIN - 4bedroom, 1 Vi baths for only$50,000. Some paint and naturalwood stain will turn this one into areal gem. Terrific investment!TURN OF THE CENTURYCHARM in new conversion onDorchester. 3 and 4 bedroom, 2bath apartments tastefullyrestored. $54,500 to $59,500.56th AND KIMBARK - a large 1bedroom with formal dining room,hardwood floors and lovely wood¬work, minutes walk to campus andRay School. It’s a lovely courtyardbuilding, excellent maintenanceand security. Super large closets.$40’s.ESTATE SALE - recentlydecorated ready for move-in forunder $30,000. You can own thisstudio condo for less than rentalprice. This unit faces north with acity view. Building facilities in¬clude pool, exercise room, masterT.V antenna and garage. Minutesto shopping, U of C campus andtransportation.WELL ARRANGED SPACE! 1bedroom condo with indoor park¬ing included. Exercise room,saunas. 24 hour security, swimm¬ing pool. South view of city andlakefront. Low $40’s.DO YOU WANT TO LIVE ATTHE BARCLAY? Rent this sun¬ny, spacious, completely decorated1 bedroom condo with option tobuy. Priced to sell at low $40’s.SUNSHINE STREAMSTHROUGH SOUTHERN andeastern exposures, and makes theoak floors sparkle. Modern kit¬chen and bath. Ray School district.Mid $50’s.THE RIGHT LOCATION and theright price! Lots of stripped woodin this 1 bedroom charmer.Sunroom and built-in breakfrontwith concealed bed make this real¬ly special. $47,000.LOVELY STRIPPED WOODACCENTS this bright 5 room con¬do in Ray School district. Priced inthe upper $50’s, this is a truly af¬fordable home. Excellent condi¬tion.SIT OUT ON YOUR BALCONYAND enjoy the lovely sunsets fromthis charming I bedroom co-op.Your mortgage is built into theassessment and therefore includesa substantial amount of tax deduc¬tibles. A modest price makes thisan ideal first home.HILD REALTY GROUP1365 E. 53rd St955-180020—THE MURDOCH MAROON—Sunday, April 1, 1984LESBIAN? GAY?GALA holds a Discussion/Coffeehouse veryTue at 9 pm at 5615 S. Woodlawn Friends, food,conversation in unpressured setting 962-9734RESUME SERVICEExtensive type styles & paper selection. Pro¬mpt service. Copyworks 5210 S. Harper 288-2233.LANGUAGE COURSESClasses in FRENCH, GERMAN, LATIN"SPANISH for graduate students are offered atLutheran School of Theology, 1100 E. 55 Str,through Chicago Cluster of TheologicalSchools. For further info see specif ads belowor call Gerlinde F. Miller, program coor¬dinator at 363-1384. Please NOTE: The 6-WEEK SUMMER SESSION 1984: June 11 toJuly 20.FRENCH COURSESthrough CCTS at LSTC: I Reading Course(lOwks) Tue 5-7pm, Rm 206. beg. March 27,84.FEE: $110 II Advanced Reading(4wks): Th 5-7pm, Rm 203, beg March 29,84. FEE: $45. Forinfo and reg. call Mary-Louise Holman-Bekkouche 667-2312 or 962-3481 or G.F. Miller,progr. coord. 363-1384. GERMAN COURSESthru CCTS at LSTC: I TWO QUARTERCOURSE (2nd) Th 8-10pm, rm 206, beg March29,84. FEE: $110 II ADVANCED READINGWed 7:30-9:30pm, rm 206, beg March 28,84.FEE: $110 (reg fee of $10inc; III 16-WEEK IN¬TENSIVE (till July 19,84), rm 206. Mo/Th 6-8pm, beg March 26, 84. FEE $220. IV W-Qtr-INTENSIVE (con't to April 26), rm 206 Tu/Th11-lpm, beg. March 27, 84. CONVERSATION(Beg III) Tu 8-10pm, rm 205, beg March 27,84.FEE: $110 (reg fee of $10inc) IN¬TERMEDIATE CONVERSATION (III) Tu 6-8pm, rm 205 beg March 27, 84. FEE $110. Forinfo/reg call Gerlinde F. Miller PhD, nativespeaker, prog coord, 363-1384 or LSTC GradStudies 753-0725.LATIN COURSEthrough CCTS. For further info call FatherRichard Zborowski 324-2626 or G.F. Miller,prog, coord. 363-1384.SPANISH COURSESthrough CCTS at LSTC: Beg Spanish (III) Wed7 9pm, rm 203, beg March 28, 84. FE E : $110 In-termed. Spanish (Reading): Th 7-9pm, rm 203beg. March 29, 84. Fee: $110. For further infoand reg. call Abe Gonzales 493-9656 or G.F.Miller, progr. Coord. 363-1384. SAVE THE MEDICION 57TH ST.We need dedicated Medici patrons to circulatepetitions and distribute bumper stickers insupport of the Medici on 57th St. Hyde Parkwithout the Medici? If you are interested callDiane at 241-5068HOME COMPUTEROWNERSTraveled abroad with your PC? I'm writing onthe subject; need personal experiences. CallMatt at 962-7680 (days), 288-1911 (evenings).ANXIOUS ABOUT EXAMS?The dean of Students in the College is offering aworkshop for undergraduates who have a pro¬blem with exam anxiety and who would like toresolve it. For more information, contact yourCollege Advisor.FESTIVALCrossroads Spring Festival, Saturday April 7.5621 S. Blackstone. Children's Fair C-6, Inter¬national Buffet 4-7, Kasbah Cafe-live entertainment, food & drinks 9-. Auction, Gift ShopCasino and more! $2.00 Adults 50' children.LAST CHANCEThis is your last chance to submit your bestwritten coursework for the Spring edition in Inquiry Magazine. Deadline: Friday, April 6 inthe Ida Noyes Cloakroom.NOT FEELING AS HOTAS HOT AS THEWEATHER YET?Has the coming of Spring left you behind in thecold of winter? Is there a problem you thoughtwould go away over break that didn't? Afraidto come out of winter hibernation? If you needsomeone to talk to about whatever's on yourmind, the Hotline is willing to listen. You cancall us seven days a week, 7pm-7am at 753-1777.ARMENIAN STUDENTSOrganization meeting Monday, April 2nd atIda Noyes 7:30.RLR DEADLINE ISNEARso STOP PROCRASTINATING and submit byApril 2 to Cobb, Wieboldt, 1-House—reviselater! SGFCHEY HOT LEGS!Come to the first Bike Club meeting! 7:00 Pm!Tuesday April 3 at Ida Noyes Hall in theMemorial Room. Get your name on the roster,meet other cyclists, and learn about the club. Ifyou have a bike, come!AEROBICS AT l-HOUSETaught by Lisa Douglas beginning immediate¬ly Mondays 6:30-7:20pm Wednesdays andFridays 6:10-7:00pm $15 a quarter per dailyseries More info at 753-2274 or the Program Of¬fice at 1-House 1414 E 59th St Class size limited.JAZZ DANCEStudy the form, technique and rhythms ofModern Jazz Dance. Taught by BarbaraDressier accompanied by Johnse Holt. 8 wkcourse Weds and Fris. Jazz I 5:30-6:30 Jazz II6:45-8:00 Ida Noyes Hall call SAO962-9554.WANT TO LEARN TOUSE COMPUTERS?ATTEND THE COMPUTATION CENTERCLASSES FOR SPRING QUARTER. TheComputation Center is once again offering aseries of free non-credit seminars and low costnon-credit courses on computing topics for theUniversity community during spring quarter.These classes begin on April 6 and continuethrough May.A schedule and description of these seminarsand courses is available from the Center at thefollowing locations: Usite Business Office(Wieboldt 310), from 9:00 to 4:00, Monday-Friday, Main Business Office (Merriam 164,1313 E. 60th), from 8:30 to 4:30, Monday Fri¬day at the Staff Office Building (5737 S. Univer¬sity), 8:30 to 5:00, Monday - Friday, Copies ofthe schedule may also be obtained from theSocial Science Advisor in Pick 123, the Program Advisor at Usite and the Terminal Atten¬dant at Usite.The seminars offer introductions and overviews to topics of general computing interest:computer concepts, fundamentals of com-INNOVATIVE WOMENWRITERSF ichon Workshop. May 5-10 wks. 955-6094 ~FICTION WRITINGWORKSHOP. Will release your creativeenergy. Satisfaction guaranteed. Sat or Sunnoon. Call Shouri Daniels (Molly Ramanujan)eves 667 0673. puting, computerized text processing,microcomputing, and database architecture.Our seminars also discuss how to use specificsoftware on the DEC-20 computers; introduc¬tion to the DEC-20's, Edit/Runoff text editingand formatting, SED full screen text editing,Teli a graf and Cuechart graphics, NCPcalcspreadsheet, SCSS statistical analysis, andhow to use the DEC 20's as personal computers. Finally, the seminars discuss specificsoftware available on the IBM computersystem: the MVS operating system, Super-wylbur, the ACF2 security program, IBM textprocessing (TREATISE, SCRIPT, GML), andSAS/GRAPH.In addition to the seminars we teach a five-partcourse on the MUSE word processing systemavailable on the DEC-20's (the fee for thiscourse has been waived for spring quarter)and a six-part course on using SPSSX on theIBM system (the cost is $30.00, which includescomputer time).To register for the MUSE course, call YvonneMcNear at 962-7173. Registration for theSPSSX course is handled at the Usite BusinessOffice in Wieboldt 310. Some of our seminarsalso require phone-in registration; see thecomplete schedule of classes for further in¬formation.If you have questions about the classes oifered(e g. content and intended audience) contactthe Center's Educational Coordinator, DonCrabb, at 962-7173 or via DEC-20 MM toSTAFF. DONCRABB.FOTAMEETINGAnyone interested in participating in theFestival of The Arts, attend a FOTA meetingon Thursday, April 5, 4:00 p.m. in 218, IdaNoyes.BUCKS FOR BRAINS!People needed for studies on how the twohalves of the brain work. Simple memory andperceptual tasks. Pays cash, Right & left¬handers call 962-8846, 9-5.SEETHE USATravelogue to Alaska, Hawaii, West Coast andother areas. New films, gifts, refreshments.Mar 30, 8pm, International House AssociationStudents 75 . other $1.LIB E RAL? CHRISTIAN?Can one be both? "Psychology & the LiberalChristian Lifestyle": Discussion with DonBrowning, Professor in the Divinity School;Sunday, April 1. Eucharist 5:30; Supper 6:30;Program 7:00. Brent House, 5540 SouthWoodlawn Avenue.LONELY OR UPSET?Are you angry about what a friend has toldyou? Mad at your boyfriend or girlfriend forbreaking up? Got something on your mind thatyou don't want a friend to know about? TheHotline is willing to listen. You can call usseven days a week, between 7pm & 7am. 753-1777.BRIGHTON BEACHMEMOIRSDiscount tickets available for Brighton BeachMemoirs on Thursday, April 5, $15 (a 15% savings). Tickets available in SAO, 210 Ida NoyesHall.$$ RESEARCH SUBJECTSNEEDED $$We pay $160.00 for your participation in a 3-week drug preference study. Takes time but noeffort. Involves only common, non-experimental drugs. Evening hours. For fur¬ther information please call 962-3560 between10:30 am and 3pm.ANXIOUS?SEEKING TREATMENT?Selected volunteers will receive free anxietytreatment at the University Medical Center inreturn for participation in a 3 week evaluationof drug preference. Participants will alsoreceive $60.00 in return for their participationin the evaluation. Involves only commonlyprescribed drugs at therapeutic doses. Call962-3560 for information or to volunteer. Mon-Fri, 10:30am-3:00pm.KASBAH CAFECrossroads, Saturday April 7, 9:00 on. an even¬ing of live entertainment in Middle Eastern at¬mosphere. Music food and drink $2.THE MIKADODiscount tickets available for The Mikado,with the London Savoyards on Saturday, April14, $ 17/S 13.50/S9 (a 25% savings). Ticketsavailable in SAO, 210 Ida Noyes Hall.WE'RE USED BUT CLEANMark Woo, Marcus Asner and Guy Yasko arerunning for student govt and they are used butclean little beasts!RELIGION ANDPUBLIC POLICYInter faith program on religion and publicpolicy 7:30 pm Monday in Calvert House basement lounge. Participating panelists fromAugustana Lutheran. Bishop Rr«ntHillel House, and Calvert House.Refreshments will be served.(somj &ea/ dxi/a/eV 493-0666 • CALL ANYTIMENOSTALGIA AVENUEHARPER AVENUESOUTH OF 57thYes! A loving family house isnow yours! Eight rooms-unusually large yard - space tobuild your own garage.$153,000NEAR MUSEUM - YOUR PLANTS (andyou) WILL LOVE THE SUNSHINE FILL¬ED front space. Six spacious roomsand-oh-those-beautiful oak floors. Backporch is your extra summer "patio" -$72,500.1528 E. 59th Street•TWO BEDROOM CO-OP, LOVELY WOODWORK.INSIDE PARKING! BOARD APPROVAL. $54,900."GOLDEN CIRCLE" - not a railroad, but squarefloor plan. Three bedrooms, formal dining room,handsome space; even an extra sun roomsuitable for a den, sitting room, or conservatory.THIS IS THE AREA YOU'VE WANTED - NEAR56th & DORCHESTER -$77,500.THE MURDOCH MAROON—Sunday, April 1, 1M4—21Off tko IM W8r£iMoveoverKuvl<,sl,nflnerl<'■ ■ ■ ■ ■ w !■ ■ ■ WW II W If i/trnwkflU metrPT Umc wKytruyhghinstrcz has arrivedPolice Chief O’Hara reportedthat a disturbance at the Vood-vard Cairt cafeteria Tuesdayturned out to be practice forKytruyhghinstrcz, the newsport introduced this spring bythe IM Office. Signup sheetsare available, as always, at theIM Office on the second floor ofIda Noyes, and entries are dueFriday of second week bynoon.Kytruyhghinstrcz, developedafter a year-long researchprocess, represents the IM Of¬fice’s attempt at offering asport with a major weekendtournament. “It’s sort of like aspringtime Kuviasungnerk,”said an IM Department spokes¬man.The word Kytruyhghinstrcz,suggested by Dean Donald Le¬vine, means “pasty, onion¬smelling adhesive” in prehis¬toric Eskimo. The Dean’soffice, in conjunction with theIM Department, decided tosponsor an essay contest forthe Kytruyhghinstrcz in an ef¬fort to promote the event. Thetopic is open, but the essay(limit 1000 words) must dis¬cuss the symbolic meaning ofKytruyhghinstrcz when it hap¬pens in the spring.The sport itself consists ofthrowing a prepared variety offoods on the ceiling of a dininghall, in an effort to make itstick for the longest period of time. Tim Richardson, former¬ly of Chamberlin House andnow Chief of Surgery at Massa¬chusetts General Hospital,holds the all-time record. Backin 1971 (when the sport wassimply known as “throwingfood”), Richardson got a solu¬tion of baked ham with raisinsauce, turkey divan, and warmmashed potatoes to stay firmlyon a BJ dining hall ceiling for268 days. His combo, known asthe Richardson Recipe, isbanned from Kytruyhghinstrczcompetition this spring.At Voodvard the other night,Lower Flint challenged UpperRickert to a match, and thefood started to fly. TheFlinters, vying for their firstintramural championshipsince the Hutchins Era, hadpracticed secretly during thewinter. Lasagna, mixed witheither vanilla or chocolate icecream, forms the cornerstoneof Flint’s firepower, and that’swhy they waited until Tuesday,when lasagna was served, tooffer the challenge.Rickert held its own for awhile, but Flint still has sever¬al glops left on the ceiling andshould take the competition.“I’m glad I don’t have to at¬tend other IM events if they’relike this,” said O’Hara, whodispatched a force to the scenewhen Rickert — distraughtwhen its roast lamb-thousand island dressing combowouldn’t stick — began throw¬ing food at Flint instead of atthe ceiling. Two Flint students,felled by a pair of dinner rolls,needed medical assistance andwere taken to Billings Hospi¬tal.“The food is so awful,” saidone student, “that we needsomething like this as a re¬lease.”“It gets expensive going toHarold’s four nights a week,”said another.The University Food ServiceDepartment will allot .eachcompeting house $250 worth offood, to be selected at thehouse’s option since each houseclosely guards its recipes, andeach one is different. Therewill be competition in the grad¬uate, undergraduate, and inde¬pendent divisions, and on theentry forms the houses shouldspecify if they plan to competein vegetarian competition ornot.“So they call it Kytruyhgh¬instrcz now,” said Richardsonin a phone conversationWednesday afternoon. He sug¬gested that the present Cham¬berlin hurlers see what’s goodin the organic food cart, sincepotato-based glops have beenmade illegal.“After all, the competitionIM spokesman. “We only havehas to end sometime,” said the one weekend.”Other IM sports this springinclude Exam Stealing, forwhich entries are due Monday,and Gargoyle Imitations (opento co-ed competition as well).The Office also offers twovariations on old themes whichwill tax the talents of even thesturdiest IM competitors. TheIron Turkey Triathlon, basedin part on the Turkey Trot, willrequire students to bike to 67thstreet and back, swim acrossBotany Pond, and then sprintto the Reg where they must re¬turn two overdue books at theReserve Library. The BovverBoys have won the Triathlon inthe graduate division for thelast three years in a row, andare favored to pull it offagain.Finally, in team competition,houses and independent teamscan sign up for the IM BookHeist. At the manager’s meet¬ing each team will be assignedthe complete works of one ormore authors, and must re¬move those books from the Regwithout getting caught at theexit desk. The first team to doso gets 75 IM points and T-Shirts for each member whotook a book. The losers get toeat leftovers from Kytruyhgh¬instrcz.Commissioner GordonChief O’HaraHOLY CHEESE BLINTZES, BRUCE!IF! GO TO THE BREAKFAST SESSION OFKYTRUYHGHINSTRCZWITH THE DEAN, I’LL GET A T-SHIRT?THAT’S RIGHTBOY WONDER!^)★ IT’S EXCITING! IT’S GROSS! IT’S KYTRUYHGHINSTRCZ!!* SIGN UP AT THE I.M. OFFICE NOW!!I★ TOSS CHOW WITH THE DEAN AT 7 a.m.!!22—THE MURDOCH MAROON-Sunday, April 1, 1984IF ONLY STAGG WERE ALIVE,Dupree trades pro contract for housing contractBy Bruce WayneMarcus Dupree willhave his chance to pursuethat Rhodes Scholarship.The bruising running-back of the New OrleansBreakers in the USFL hasagreed to accept the ad¬missions offer extendedby the University of Chi¬cago, and he will beginclasses in the fall. Hisclasswork at the Univer¬sity of Oklahoma andSouthern MississippiState would transfer ex¬cept that Marcus nevertook any classes for cred¬it, opting to audit and sur¬vey several fields ofstudy before concentrat¬ing his intellectual ener¬gies on simply one sub¬ject.“I didn’t know what Iwanted to do,” he said,expounding on his diffi¬culties with the courseguides at those institu¬tions.The big item weighingheavily on youngMarcus’s mind, though,is football. Why would aman who makes millionsfor running a sweep rightfrom the one-yard linetwice a week give all thatup to attend a Division IIIschool and try to makethe football team as awalk-on? Just another ex¬ample of this man’s in¬ability to settle down anddo one thing.Dupree discussed atlength the flexibility thatChicago provides to itsstudents as the primarybasis for his decision tomatriculate on the Mid¬way.“There’s lots of stuff Ican take there,” he ex¬ plained.Dupree will requiresome financial aid to at¬tend the University sinceNew Olreans terminatedthe contract he signed,but he has applied for aWork/Study job andshould receive $15-20,000next school year checkingID’s at Bartlett Gym,after he completes thetwo-week intensive train¬ ence schools would re¬cruit major professionalathletes to aid their pro¬grams.“It’s not like we re¬cruited Marcus,” saidhead coach Mick Ewing.“He decided to come hereand chose us out of manyother schools. It all hap¬pened so fast.” Dupreereceived his acceptanceletter along withComing...Dupreewith his luggage.ing program.Concerning football,the Maroons’ offense willtake on an entirely newlook come August, whenoffensive coordinatorMyron Smith implements■his newly designed “tri-‘ threat” offense, a varia¬tion of the “Marcus left,Marcus right, Marcus upthe middle” offense pro¬posed by several othercoaches. Smith refused tocomment on his clandes¬tine creations, fearingother Midwest confer¬ Going... Schaferhundreds of other futurefreshman earlier thisweek.Other conferencecoaches and athleticdirectors have taken of¬fense to Chicago’s “un¬derhanded” move, andmay file suit if Marcusactually does decide tostrap on the Maroon andWhite in 1984.“It’s outrageous iswhat it is,” saidLawrence AD and headfootball coach Ron Rob¬erts, whose nationally ranked teams have domi¬nated the conference forseveral years. Robertssaid that if he and othercoaches lose their pro¬posed suit, he will con¬duct a raid of his own.“Hell, I’ll take EarlCampbell. He’s lookingfor a team,” Robertssaid. He has also hadmembers of theLawrence admissionsstaff talk to LawrenceTaylor and Lester Hayes,and many “Lawrence atLawrence” buttons haveappeared all over the Ap¬pleton campus.Marcus likes Chicago’suniforms, as he wore redand white in his days atOklahoma, when heracked up 200 yards ormore game after game inthe Big Eight.Dupree asked to cometo April Weekend, sincehe missed Varsity Week¬end, the admissions de¬partment has announced.He will stay as a prospieat the Palmer House andride to campus each dayin a limousine. Whenasked about the specialtreatment, Ewing de¬clined comment, andSmith said “Hey, this isbig-time football now,kid. You gotta play itright.”Will the days of Big Tenchampionships returnonce again to 55th andCottage Grove? Will theytear the Reg down andresurrect the Gothicgrandeur of Old StaggField so 40,000 faithfulcan view the ModernMonsters of Marcus’sMidway? That remains tobe seen.Rodman homer sinks SoxBy ArthurBen “Tito” Rodmanripped a solo home run offBritt Burns in the top ofthe 10th inning to give theUniversity of Chicagovarsity baseball team a4-3 victory over the WhiteSox in Sarasota, Florida.Maroon head coachRoger Scott arranged thegame with the White Soxas a challenge for hissquad on its spring breaktrek through the south,“and I couldn’t be hap¬pier with the result.”“Rodman’s not a homerun threat. I didn’t expectit,” said White Sox catch¬er Carlton Fisk. “Withthat wind blowing itseemed impossible.’’Rodman, a reserve in¬fielder, smacked his firsthomer of his life into theleft field upper deck. 'The White Sox had tiedthe game at three apiecewith an uprising offMaroon starter TomWeber and reliever SteveBarnhart in the home halfof the eighth inning. Withone out, Fisk cracked asingle to center andHarold Baines walked.Weber then went 0-2 oncleanup hitter Greg Lu-zinski, but The Bull linedhis next offering into the right centerfield gap.Fisk scored easily, but a strong relay throw fromBob Dickey nailed BainesTom Weber (above) hurled 7 2/3 innings as theMaroon Varsity nipped the White Sox, 4-3, overSpring Break in Florida. cold at the plate. Luzinskigot a double.With two down, Scottbrought in Barnhart toface 1983 AL Rookie of theYear, Ron Kittle. Kittle,who clubbed 35 homeruns last season, crankedBarnhart’s first offeringabout 500 feet to deadcenter field, where theball eventually caromedoff the Maroon team bus.The home run tied thegame at three. Barnhartfanned Vance Law onthree pitches to end theinning.Chicago took an earlylead off Sox starter La-Marr Hoyt, as they post¬ed one run in each of thefirst three innings. MikeMedina scored on a singleby Dickey in the first,first baseman John Ger-non hit a solo homer inthe second, and in thethird Weber led off with atriple and scored on asacrifice fly by DennisWerner.“This gives us a littleconfidence,” said Scott,“and I think we’ll do allright this season after awin like this.”The Maroons open theirregular season schedulenext week. QUOTES OF THE WEEK“Everyone advised me against it but the contractwas too good to pass up. It’s a good thing the Deanapproved a leave of absence and let me give this op¬portunity a chance. Gosh you hear about other peo¬ple’s luck and here it just happens out of the blue.” —Matt Schaefer, former Maroon QB now with theUSFL.“This pro sports situation is an excellent exampleof free market capitalism at its best” — MiltonFriedman, famous man.“These large salaries for students with no degreesare making it tough for us to keep these kids inschool. Like who needs it? It’s TOTALLY ridicu¬lous.” — Hanna Gray, Hyde Park resident.“Just goes to show you, here we are trying to run arespectable campaign and all anybody can thinkabout are their Sunday afternoons in front of theboobtube. A certain indication this country needs aserious change.” — Rev. Jessee Jackson, deludedclergyman.“It just shows you another facet of the great city ofChicago: its fine professional sports team.” -Harold Washington, Bridgeport's Man of the Year.“What’s a Maroon look like anyway? — MarcusDupree, prospie.“That’s getting to be a big problem in collegesports. You develop a talent and some pro teamsteals him right out from under your nose.” — MickEwing, associate professor at U of C.“Golly Gee, Commissioner. If we would have beenaccepted to the University of Chicago we would haveworn Maroon capes.” Batman and Robin, TV stars.“Hi, Mom...pretty good, huh?” — Matt Schaefer,talking to a TV camera.“If the level of athletic competition continues toprogress on this campus, I expect I could be hearingfrom the Murdoch syndicate with a big fat offer tofollow some of these players to the pros.” — FrankLuby, overweight third-year student.“I think our efforts at developing a first rate athlet¬ic program is approaching respectability.” — MaryJean Mulvaney, athletic supporter.SPORTS SHORTSThe Los Angeles Olympic Committee has sche¬duled two more sports as “experimental” sports forthe 1984 Olympic games. Joining baseball will be thethree-legged race and the wheelbarrow competition,and American athletes have trained hard during thewinter for these events.Each of the new events will have several levels ofcompetition, akin to normal running events. One ofspecial interest is the wheelbarrow marathon, agrueling 26 mile, 385 yard race through the streetsand parks of Los Angeles.^To aid the American wheelbarrowists, DupontChemical announced that they have developed a spe¬cial glove which will protect the man who's thewheelbarrow part from unnecessary wear on thepalms of his hands.“We estimated that in a marathon competition, thewheelbarrower’s hand hits the pavement approxi¬mately 137,000 times, and that's more punishmentsaid a spokesmanA new standard for measuring quality of athleticsversus quality of academics? That's what TomWexler, a statistics student at Michigan State Uni¬versity, formulated recently to compare, using rawdata, the quality of each school in each field TheWexler Factor is the ratio of the number of HeisPrize%," : - v ;Th© Wexler Fscton The chart below givesthe ratio of Heismann trophy winners to NobelPrize winners for various schools.School Heismanns Nobels WexlerStanford 4 29 Rating.14Harvard 2 85 .02Universityof Chicago 1 55 .01Ohio State 7 2 3.50Yale 2 80 .03LoopCollege 0 1* .00*No Nobel Prize winner has ever taught a class atLoop College; however, a former Nobel laureate inChemistry died in a 1936 CTA train accident oneblock from where Loop College now stands. Sousing the U of C scoring system, he counts.THE MURDOCH MAROON-Sunday. April 1,1964-23TheNORTH SIDEMAROONEXPRESSRIDES AGAINThe MAROON EXPRESS, our weekend coach service to the Loop and North Side, continuesto provide affordable, dependable, and comfortable transportation for University of Chicagostudents, resuming Friday, March 30. The service will run for 9 weekends, ending on Saturday,May 26.The Express will run to and from Ida Noyes Hall and the Shoreland on Friday and Saturdaynights, making 3 departures and 3 return trips; the last two return buses will make additionalstops in Hyde Park. Buses will go to the Art Institute and Water Tower Place areas along MichiganAvenue, and the popular Lincoln Avenue and Clark-Diversey neighborhoods on the North Side.Tickets for the Maroon Express can be purchased with a U of C student ID at the Ida Noyesinformation desk, Reynolds Club box office, or any Residence Hall front desk. Individual one¬way tickets cost $1.25 and can be purchased in lots of 10 or more for $1.00 each.Schedule for Maroon ExpressNorthboundIda Noyes 6:30 pm 8:30 pm 10:30 pm —Shoreland 6:40 pm 8:40 pm 10:40 pm —Art Institute 6:55 pm 8:55 pm — —Water Tower Place‘Inner Lake Shore Drive& Division (1200 N)‘Clark & LaSalle(1700 N) 7:10 pm 9:10 pmGrant Hospital(Webster & Lincoln) 7:30 pm 9:30 pmDiversey & Clark 7:45 pm 9:45 pm 11:15 pm 1:45 am‘Courtesy drop-off stop: by request only. Note: No pick-up at this location. SouthboundDiversey & Clark 7:45 pm 9:45 pm 11:45 pm 1:45 amGrant Hospital(Webster & Lincoln) —0 Midnight 2:00 amWater Tower Place(I. Magnin) — — 12:15 am 2:15 amArt Institute — 10:00 pm 12:30 am 2:30 amShoreland — — * *Ida Noyes 8:30 pm 10:30 pm * *‘Drop-offs throughout Hyde Park, including Shoreland and Ida Noyes24—THE MURDOCH MAROON-Sunday, April 1,1944Marcus Dupreea Maroon?You bet your DOC passhe is!USFL ROBS U OF CFrosh QB takes Trump's $$$$$ and runsNew Jersey General spokeman Casey Garrison presents Donald Trump’s newest football find, UC under¬grad Matt Schaefer to the Gotham press corps. Schaefer leaves the U of C today.By Dick GracesonWill Donald Trumpever stop?Trump, the controver¬sial owner of the New Jer¬sey Generals of theUSFL, added yet anothercollege undergraduate tohis team when he signedUniversity of Chicagoquarterback MattSchaefer to a 15-year, $20million contract yester¬day afternoon. Schaeferwill play in the samebackfield as another un-dergrad, HerschelWalker, whom Trumpsigned before theleague’s first campaign.“We’re glad to haveSchaefer,” said clubspokesman Casey Garri¬son. “His tremendousthrowing arm, coupledwith his intelligence andjust plain natural athleticability, makes him ourtop prospect.”Schaefer will be thehighest paid USFL quar¬terback per year, and hehas the second longestpact in the league’s histo¬ry. Los Angeles recentlysigned Brigham Youngquarterback Steve Youngto a 40-year deal.“Mr. Trump’s been likea father to me,” saidSchaefer, when askedabout the negotiationsand the efforts Trump ex¬pended to bring the 18-year old freshman to theEast Coast.The contract has manybonuses and conditionsembedded in the fineprint, according to MarkPethke, Schaefer’s agentand present roommate atthe Woodward Court dor¬mitory. Schaefer will re¬ceive a room at TrumpTower, and will cruise upand down the New JerseyTurnpike or the GardenState Parkway in his 1984Ferrari (complete with $50,000 price tag). Trumpand the Generals will es¬tablish the Matt ScaeferScholarship Fund, begin¬ning next year. The grantwill allow a footballplayer in each enteringclass to attend the Uni¬versity of Chicago forfree, and provide himwith on-campus employ¬ment as well. Marcus Du¬pree, who has been ac¬cepted to the College forthe 1984-85 school year, is a leading candidate forthe money.The club will also payfor the completion ofSchaefer’s and Pethke’seducation, give him twopercent ownership of theteam, and establish atoxic waste cleanup fundfor the state of New Jer¬sey. Schaefer has also ob¬tained 40 percent of theHarold’s Chicken Shackchain on Chicago’s SouthSide. Schaefer will earn anadditional $100,000 shouldhe win Rookie of theYear, and $250,000 inbonus cash if he cops theranking among USFLquarterbacks.“I didn’t come here totake Brian Sipe’s job,”Schaefer said in a pre¬pared statement. “Icame here to earn thequarterback job,” headded, to the thundering applause of the hugecrowd gathered at theTrump Tower for thesigning ceremony.Some league coachesdoubt that Schaefer, de¬spite his tremendous abil¬ity, can hack the pres¬sures in the fledglingleague. “He has had onlyone season in the collegeranks, and that at a Divi¬sion III school,” said NewOrleans coach DickCoury. “How can they ex¬ pect him to play before75,000 people with that lit¬tle experience?”“I don’t like it one bit,”said Arizona coach andformer Blitz leaderGeorge Allen.Ken Anderson (Augus-tana) and Dave Kreig(Milton College) are twoexamples of players whosuccessfully made theleap from Division III toquarterback professionalfootball teams. Schaefersees no reason why hecan’t be the third.Where will Schaefer fitin? Generals’ coach WaltMichaels said “With timehe’ll be the best ever. Butright now we have towork him in slowly, andby midseason have himstarting. But a lot of it isleft up to him.”Asked if there were anydrawbacks to leavingschool (where some ex¬perts predicted he’d getno better than a 1.4 GPA),Schaefer responded “Liv¬ing in New Jersey andplaying in, what do theycall it, the Daisylands?“I didn’t do it for themoney,” he continued. “Idid it because I wouldhave flunked Econ 200 if Iturned it down.” Schaeferhad planned to major ineconomics.“I’ll always feel se¬cure,” he said, referringto any shakiness he mighthave making the transi¬tion from the collegegame to pro, “knowingthat if I’m confused withthe pro defenses. . .thedifferent zones. . .that Ican audible to Herscheloff-tackle.”Schaefer will return toChicago briefly today toclear out his dorm roomand prepare for the trip toGotham. Interested fanscan catch him at theWoodward Dining Hallaround 1 p.m.Check out the IM Dept's latestSee if you canspell it first •••. %page 21ttet3iisYltI ALIENS FROM OUTER SPACEMADE ME A LEFTIST FEMINISTCOMMIE!! TEEN'S TALE OF TERROR!U,Teen Tale of Terror, by Stephanie X, as told to her doctors“It was just an average day in anytown, U.S.A. I was a redneckwatching the White Sox drinking Blue Ribbon Beer. Then thenightmare began.” Nineteen year old Stephanie X wiped a tearfrom her eye.“A boy who had just moved into my town rang me up and askedme out. I figured, what the heck. How was I to know that I wasletting myself in for the worst terror of my life.“He seemed normal enough. We went miniature golfing, andthen he took me to dinner in a vegetarian restaurant. I should haveknown better than to go in there. How was I to know that therewere subliminal implants in the music?? How was I to know thatthere were miniature radar devices in the food??“For the next couple of days, everything was normal. Then Istarted to notice that I was behaving funnily. My nails were a mess;I couldn’t eat my favorite foods like Wonder Bread and AmericanCheese sandwiches with strawberry Quik; I found myself thinking alot about Guatamala.”Mr. and Mrs. X recall their daughter’s strange behavior. “Sud¬denly, we couldn’t get her to go to T.V. or watch Church any¬more,” said Mrs. X, a former Miss Iowa Corn Shucking Champi¬on. “She was always a good girl before this,” Mr. X added.“I remember skipping a cheerleading squad practice that week tosee the new boy again,” the distraught teen continued. We got intohis car after school, and I said, “ ‘Where are you taking me,John?’ He said, ‘Please call me Orblatz.’ ‘Alright,’ I said, ‘Wereare we going, Orblatz?’ he turned to me and said, ‘You know wherewe are going, earth woman. We are going to my planet where youwill be programmed to serve the Snukian race.’When asked if she had resisted, Stephanie X turned her headaway in shame. Mrs. X broke in and explained, “She was so sick inher head by that time that she thought she wanted to go."What was the planet Snuk like?“It was okay, not so bad really,” Stephanie replied. “The Snu-kians are known for their intergalactic hospitality, so I ate well, dida little shopping, you know. They do worship Satan, it’s true, butother than that they’re nice people.”(Stephanie’s doctors warned us that her positive impressions ofthe planet Snuk could be residual effects of the mind control.) “After a few weeks of reprogramming, I was sent back to earthto aid in human recruitment. It was then that I discovered that allthe leftists in the world, including Michael Jackson, Andy Warhol,Santa and the entire Soviet government, are actually satanicaliens.“I was programmed to grow my leg hair, swear, wear manlyclothes, promote social decay and teach other women to do thesethings. It was very evil,” said Stephanie. “I even tried — forgiveme, dad, — I even lobbied for gun control. What a pinko scum-bunny I was. I helped burn down a twinkie factory. W’hen theyfound me —”At this point Stephanie X broke down into sobbing. Her father,a former lottery winner and the captain of the local Citizen’s Pa¬trol, continued, “When we found her, she was wearing a beret,carrying a machine gun, and had not washed in weeks. She wascaught trying to let the animals out of the San Diego Zoo.”“It’s an ugly story,” said Dr. Q, Miss X’s main psychotherapist,“but we believe it should be told, so other parents will be awarethat this tragedy could happen to any kid, any kid in the world.What happened to this young woman is a genuine tragedy, of inter¬national scale and (continued on p. 49)Psychic explorer Turd Dirkson explains details of a planned Snurkian invasionof Earth to Mrs. X, Stephanie X.’s mother. Mrs. X is seen here indicating that itis time for her hourly adrenalin shot.JIM MORRISON STILL ALIVE—TEACHING IN THE COLLEGE ✓YOU ASKEDFOR IT!MORRY’S GOT IT!jpThai DinnersMONDAY THRU SATURDAY, 4:30 TO 8:30 P.M.AS PART OF OUR DINNER SPECIALS— ALL YOUR FA VORITES —SATAYLADNARSTIR-FRIEDPORK SPICY PORK ON SKEWERSERVED WITH CHILI-COCONUTSAUCE, CUCUMBER SALAD, ASPRING ROLL & FRIED RICESLICED BEEF WITH BROCCOLI ANDNOODLES IN OYSTER SAUCE,SERVED WITH WHITE RICESLICED PORK WITH PINEAPPLEAND CUCUMBER IN SWEET & SOURSAUCE; WHITE RICE & FRIED RICEEACHONLY WITHFREEHOT TEAAND DO/VT FORGET OUR...CHARBROILED STEAK $284Complete dinner with salad, roll, french fries, donutsl/EDAD Marinated, charbroiled SDCCr l\CDUD steak & vegetables mmComplete dinner with salad, roll, french fries, donutsFRESH BROOK TROUT $084We charbroil the whole fish (deboned, “of course) with butter and seasonings. Great!Complete dinner with salad, roll, french fries, donutsCHARBROILED CHICKEN $284One-half jumbo chicken wonderfully charbroiledserved with salad, roll, french fries and donutsVEAL PARMESAN Sete $284I AO AS"* II A MEAT OR VEGETABLELAoAvlNA Complete dinner $284MAKE MORRY’S YOUR PLACEFOR DINNER... EVERY NIGHT!OUR $2.84 SPECIALS ARETHE BEST BUY IN TOWN!“SATURDAY’S DORM DINNER ALTERNATIVE!”MORRY’S DEUIN HUTCHINSON COMMONS1131 E. 57th Street Ferdinand Braudel: The Long Delay: EuropeWaits for Something to HappenFerdinand De Saussure: The Langue Duree:Language is a Place Where Nothing EverHappensPeter Worsley: Escargot Cults: ResistanceThrough VictualsJacques Derrippa: Postal Cartesianism andthe Dearth of Letters.Seminary Coop Bookstore5757 S. University752-43811984 PASSOVERAPRIL 17-94 5744Hillel will place you for Seder and have2 meals a day throughout Passover.If you are on Hillers mailing list, your in¬formation and reservation forms will bein the mail first week of Spring Quarter.If you don’t receive it pick it up atHILLEL, 2715 S.Woodlawn 752-1127CHICAGOLEONwill autographof his recentTWO WlVEIL MY FACESUNDAY, APRIL 1st • 3-5 p.m.at1301 E. 57th Street684-13002—SUNDAY APRIL 1, 1984-THE GREY CITY JOURNAL-ARTS & FUN!RUDALL'S LEAR: LAFFNick Rudall seen here rehearsing for his performance as Lear by Hefty FlexYes, that wacky intellectualtroupe pulls off another smash laffriot. Explains Nick Rudall (owner,producer, director, and King Lear),“we read the play and decide thatwell, it was a really funny thing. Imean, this Lear guy makes one mis¬take and loses his entire kingdom!Some banana peel, huh?”The Court theater plans to pro¬duce Shakespeare’s stuff in themanner of their beloved drawingroom comedies. “It’s what we dobest” says Rudall, (owner, produc¬er, director, and Lear) “and any¬way, we didn’t have the money formaking a heath. We also said ‘outvile jelly’ to the Gloucester subplot,because it just didn’t belong in ourplay.” Thus, the subtle shading ofLear’s intense but hopeful strugglein the parlor is left to Rudall him¬self. He says: “I figured that withme as director, I could learn tocommunicate the part better to methan anyone else.”The three daughters are playedby Pauline Brailsford (who isdirected by Nick Rudall). Thecourt’s versatile iady says: “I seethem as proto-Shavian typewomen, or really anything Nicksays they are.” The fool is Joe VanSlyke. “It’s just Renaissance male¬bonding, but only one of us has thebells on,” says the Sylke, “and any¬way, it’s written into my contractthat I get to play all the Puckishparts.” The crowd scene is played RIOTby Laurel Cronin.This new, improved version ofLear peps up the old warhorse, butthe restoration of its comedy is stillsomehow vaguely classical. Ofcourse, Lear is not a vaudeville rou¬tine. Rudall (etc.) speaks. “Our ad¬aptation retains a lot of the conflictand tension of the original, but wedon’t cheapen it, it’s like a tradi¬tional turn of the century ‘realistic’comedy.” This is the CourtTeahter’s strength, a fresh intellec¬tual approach to an old problem.Thus, their productions are appetiz¬ing to and uniquely suited for theuniversity community. Prof. DavidBevington says: “Gosh, I’ve or¬dered tickets for all my class out¬ings already.” Rudall (praise him)estimates that 75 Vo of all ticketsales come from these reciprocalpackage agreements.The Court Theater plans nochanges in its outlook, at least whileRudall, Brailsford, Van Slyke,Linda Buchanan, Cronin, and thatnutty professor Kenneth Northcottare still alive. Says Northcott: “It’sthis group that makes our enter¬prises so daring and exciting. Ittakes courage to explore the innerpain and horror of the drawingroom, and we’ve got the guts to doit.” Next up for the Court is an¬other all-new searing adaptation ofItalian Straw Hat, and to end theUC subscription series, the worldpremiere of Rudall’s “Autobio¬graphy.” STEAMYHave you ever wondered whoworks in the mysterious labyrinthof steam tunnels under campus?Here’s your answer — hard work¬ing Anastasia Warp spends eighthours a day down there. “I love it,it makes me feel like Jennifer Bealsin Flashdance — I get sooosweaty!SEXY TEXTSAmerica Without a Credit Cardby John Irving (MurdochPress, $18.95, 900 pages) Irv¬ing's latest tour de force ofdeath and depravity is thestory of Jean and Ted Bunga¬low, a young married coupletrying to make their living atwhat they love most — train¬ing bears. Their life is full ofupset though, as Irving glee¬fully describes it; their firstchild is eaten by a yet to betrained bear, their secondchild commits suicide at theage of seven months and both* Jean and their third child arekilled when a group of neo-Nazis storm their Manhattanapartment. Ted goes on,blind, deaf and dumb, as he(injuries from the attack),later recruited in a plot to killJodie Foster by force feedingher pizza (one of the moresparkling scenes of thenovel!), finally Ted ends upwhere he belongs, as a nightwatchman at the “Horrors ofthe Twentieth Century" ex¬hibit at Disney World. Irv¬ing's use of gratuitous vio¬lence and senseless sufferinghas never been more sharplyhoned. Death, death andmore death! With this novelIrving enters the company ofour great American writers.It is witty, charming, andlight-hearted. Fun for the en¬tire family. Not to be missedis the cameo by SigmundFreud and Jacques Lacan asa couple of unlikely vaudevil-lians. Highly recommended.— D. CronenbergThe Nights of Catherine theGreat by Norman Mailer(Beating a Dead HorsePress, $24.50, 1724 pages)Mailer once again rapes thepast for material to keep hisflaccid writing career erect.This time he peers into thebedroom of the great Rus¬sian Empress to answer thequestion whether she real¬ly..MeW, you know. Maileranswers all our possiblequestions in graphic detail —over and over again. Hisprose has never beensmoother; it moves withgreat equine grace over theevents of the novel. One canatmosi hear Ihe thunder iny hooves of his typewriter keysas he pounded away at eachword! The Nights of Cath¬erine the Great is an enter¬taining book, but not one forthe weak of heart. — T. Ca¬poteFreud: Did He or Didn't He?by Jeffery Moustaffa Maison(Little, Brown & Dvorak,$23.95,654 pages) This recentaddition to the literature re¬garding the early founda¬tions of psychoanalysis is acurious little item. It is attimes a detective story — re¬telling in explicit paranoiddetail, how Maison, dis¬guised as a blind chimneysweep, smuggled himselfinto the bowels of the FreudAchives to inspect the pri¬vate coorespondence of theinfamous Viennese doktor.What Maison comes awaywith is the not very stunningsuggestion that Freud some¬times would make a patientstop talking so he could re¬lieve himself. Maison claimsthat this undermines the en¬tire field of psychoanalysisas it is practiced today.While it is hard to take someof Maison's critical remarksseriously, some of the por¬traits he paints of the leadingpsychoanalytic figures arequite fascinating. Not leastof all the scene in which heclaims Anna Freud threat¬ened him with a sawed-offshot gun! — Irma S. Injec-tioneKooky Couplets by David Let-terman (Ennui Press, $12, 30pages) This little volume ofpoetry reveals a new side tothat Master of Banality,David Letterman. When Ifirst heard America's mostboring man was going to pub¬lish a book of poetry Ithought, “Jeez, anything tomake a buck, huh?" But tomy delighted surprise, Let¬terman proves that he can beas banal on paper as he is onTV, just read this:I was walking down thestreetjust the other day,When I saw a wino peeingin an aney. Letterman's poems are a stun¬ning condemnation of themodern urban lifestyle. Theman knows about alienation!I'd like to hear Richard Sternsay anything bad about thesepoems — P. ScraperNights on the D Train by NeilSimon (Megabucks Press,$20, 117 pages) America'swealthiest writer knows agood idea when he sees one,that's for sure. Rather thantry anything new, Simon hasdecided to keep dredging uphis Brooklyn childhood, recy¬cling the same jokes, ac¬cents, and cultural refer¬ences. Oh those nutty, nuttyjews. His latest play, Nightson the D Train centersaround young Hymie's (readNeil's) dream of becoming agynecologist. His father says'yes', his mother says 'no'and the sparks start flying.One of the funniest scenes inthe play occurs when Hymiegets his thing caught in thekitchen plumbing. Veryfunny, but very familiar.Hasn't Simon already usedthis one? The play is openingon Broadway in April, hope¬fully it will get to Chicagosometime in 1987. — BloopieGoldsteinSpirits of Fire by D.J.R. Hack(Schlock Publishing, $6.95,223 pages) Well, this is onecontroversy which refuses todie down. Did spirits fromthe Demon world set fire toMichael's hair during thefilming of the now infamousPepsi commercial? Jacksonstill maintains that it was anaccident and that he does notbelieve in such things as theoccult. He also goes on to saythat he does not practice anysort of witchcraft. He alsodenies that he wears sung¬lasses all the time becausehe is the Antichrist. Hackmarshalls his evidence care¬ful ly; several reputeddemons were seen lurkingaround the set at the time ofthe filming, there were noflames anywhere near Jack-son when his hair caughtfire; no one has ever beenable to contact any of the "extras'' from the"Thriller" video — wheredid they come from andwhere have they gone? —and finally, Hack claims thatMichael has a pentagram ta-tooed on his left buttock. But I guess we'll never knowabout that! Is Michael reallythe Antichrist? Are we reallydancing the nights away tothe sound of the Apocalypse?Stay tuned for more details— Blooke ShierdsWhich faculty bigwig was seen making a stink at the Quad ClubMonday afternoon? None other than jz ((‘The Big Yazoo”, tonearest and dearest) Smith. Seems UC’s cultural hero couldn’t get atable in the packed dining room. Rather than wait like everyoneelse, Smith tore off all his clothes poured ketchup all over himselfand began howling what he later claimed was an ancient Indianprayer for food. Looks as if the gods heard Smith’s request —about half the people in the dining room left and Smith was seatedalmost immediately. Oh, to be in Tierra del Fuego!***********CAN IT BE? Word has it that our oh-so-outre President, Mrs.Gray has been offered the job of Commissioner of the World Wres¬tling League. Gray’s passion for wrestling has long been a well keptsecret, but of late, she has been more open about her peculiarhobby. “Sure, I like to watch two big men going at it, whodoesn’t?” Asked whether she would take the League up on itsoffer, “I’ll consider it — at least I’d be around some realmen.”BIG JOKE ON THE QUADS: W hat do you get when you cross apost structuralist with a mafioso? Answer — An offer you can’tunderstand. Here’s another good one I overheard at the QuadClub: How many UC graduate students does it take to screw in alight bulb? Answer — One, but it takes him ten years.YES IT’S TRUE! Jean Comarroff, professor of anthropology hereat UC has been chosen as one of the five finalists in the Miss Aca¬demic America Pageant. The five finalists will be flown to AtlanticCity this weekend for the final part of the selection process. Wetalked to Ms. Comarroff yesterday in her office. “I’m very excitedabout the whole thing. It’s like a dream come true.” Is she ner¬vous? “Well, there’s a performance section that I feel pretty con¬fident about — I’ll be giving a concise outline of Edmund Leach’stheory of communication using examples from a Maouri tribe I’vebeen studying recently. But there’s also a bathing suit competitionand I haven’t even thought about what to wear.” Good Luck toyou, Jean!RUMOR HAS IT That over flowing cauldron of charisma, WendyO’Flaherty, professor in the Div School, has been seen holdinghands in North side bistros with none other than Waiter “Skippv”Jacobson. Friends say it’s the real thing this time for both. O’Fla¬herty won’t confirm but says, “Walter and 1 are very goodfriends.” We’ll be watching.BRAND NEW DAY DEPT. If President Gray should accept theposition of Wrestling Commissioner, who would fill her shoes hereat UC? Odds on favorite is Bernard Epton, that over flowing caul¬dron of hostility and loser to Harold Washington in last year’smayoral election. “Yeah, I want to be president of the school. I’llbuy the school if I have to, I don’t care. Just so long as I can teachpeople about the evj| of the letting the god damned media vcntiulyour life.” Can’t wait Bernie! You sould like a FUN guy.THE GREY CITY JOURNAL-ARTS & FUN!—SUNDAY APRIL 1, 1984-3LIZARD KING LIVES AND TEACHESMorrison/Smith seen here conversing with an invisible spirit from a higher realm of consciousness as students look on withfascinated horror.SMITH'S TWISTED TALEby Tony LibidoReactions to the revelationthat Jim Morrison, formerbandleader of The Doors, hastaught in the College of the U ofC for over 10 years under the as¬sumed name, “Jonathan Z.Smith”, varied from amazementto horror.“We had no way of known-ing,” said a University spokes¬man. “His plan was pure ge¬nius.”Apparently, Smith applied forthe post of assistant professor inlate 1971, a few months afterMorrison’s disappearance. Hetold University interviewers thatall his personal records had beendestroyed in a fire. Using his su¬perior knowledge of the humanpsyche, he was able to convinceothers of his authenticity, de¬spite the lack of any evidence ofhis existence prior to the early1970’s.“We weren’t suspicious atall,” said one University staffer.“He exuded a lizard-like charis¬ma; he was very convincing.”The freedom of the Universi¬ty’s liberal arts program playeda significant role in Morri¬son/Smith’s decision to teachhere instead of elsewhere after his disappearance. “Basically, Icould teach anything I wantedand even make it up as I wentalong,” said the Lizard King,who worked his way into aDeanship during his 13-year ca¬reer here.The questions still remain,though. Why teaching? Whydisappear at all? And finally,why Hyde Park?Morrison/Smith chose the di¬vinity school and the College asa superior means for spreadinghis vision of the world, for hewas rapidly losing his intellectu¬al audience with his Elektra re¬cords releases. His plan for theUniversity, projected initially togo over a 10-year period, in¬volved bringing in the type ofstudent he felt would appreciateand understand his philosophy.“I envisioned Hyde Park andthe University as my own colonyeventually,” said Morri¬son/Smith. “I had extensiveplans for turning the JacksonPark area in my own Africa, andwe would all be free to explorethe bounds of reality together ina homogeneous, protected envi¬ronment.”Morrison/Smith almostbrought the plan to reality in late 1979, when as Dean of the Col¬lege he negotiated with HighTimes magazine to endow theDr. Timothy Leary Chair forPsychoactive Research. That$500,000 grant fell through, theplan slowly died thereafter, andMorrison/Smith lost interest inhis pet project.“And that’s why I decided toreveal myself. I’m sick of thebullshit teaching, and this Doorsreunion stuff could make mesome decent money, more thanI’m making now.”Asked if he had any regrets,Morrison/Smith said that he“wished his plan had worked,because world would have lovedit. They had the Columbian Ex¬position here in 1892. We wouldhave had Colombia itself here by1992. Damn!!”University president HannaGray said Morrison/Smith hasbeen relieved of his duties, effec¬tive immediately.“I’m just pissed to the max,”said Gray, whose own plan —turning Hyde Park into 100-square-block, 24-hour Morry’sDeli — may have dealt a deathblow to Morrison/Smith’splan.Corrine Alphen, 1982’s Penthouse Petof the Year, spotted at Ft. Lauderdale.A Pet at school?? Can a girl be toobusy?” giggles Corinne. “I’m takingseventeen credits at Princeton, push¬ing on with my career during vacationsand school breaks, steal the time forMichael Jackson and ThomasHardy...” Oh boy! Dateline: Ft. Lauderdale, Fla.Party! Sand young rays sea, re¬laxing fund raunchy. Concert beerscore Happy Hour dance question¬able. “Awesome!!” Sex sun radicalpursuit, escapists tubular. Tired:boards, flattop, Booze Cruise, ritesof spring.“Beer Chugging, the Strip.”Lots of fun: outrageous BronzeAdonis. Reality, memories. Sun-worshipping handling oiling up“How Long?” Beach bunniestubes awesome — brew. Blowed upfun and games dance stake out hot-blooded mud-wrestling. King of thebeach. Delts, pecs, cuts, catchingthe rays. Beach bunnies, tubeschicks?“The people!” Hot-bloodedshare the suds pastime. College stu¬dents. Plenty. “Books, y’know, man?” Pleasure sleep glasses han¬gover, interested pool sun.Copping rays. Outrageous funsex concert. Tan tan tan tan tan.Beer.Sprink break, beach, party.Bikini hangover brew tan; tubescollege suglasses pool. DrinkWet T-shirt, dance mess tempta¬tion catching rays shore!“Score,” young boardsglasses pickup — awesome sleepThe Strip interested? Fun fleshBooze Cruise: delts, pecs, lats.Chug-a-lug dance men sun cop¬ping rays far out. Memories lo¬tion, reality seaglass.Lifeguards night — trip oilhappy. Chicks tubular dancebeach, swim tan tan tan tan.Beer.“Wild!” she said.Three curvaceous U of C sophomores spotted on the famous Ft. Lauderdale beach over spring break. But wait a second —cuvaceous?? “Yeah, flat is in right now,” giggled Stacy Clark (left). “So Wendy, Lisa and I all got breast-reductioroperations just before break. We’re not really supposed to expose them to sun rays yet, but, y’ know.” by Raunchee N. RaucousHe’s hot, he’s sexy, and yes, he’svery much alive, prowling the outerrealms of consciousness he alwaysclaimed he would. Jim Morrison,the lead singer (screamer? poet?) ofthe Doors and the whole trial of lifethat was the 1960’s has emergedfrom hiding, after years of self-im¬posed exile throughout the under¬ground Third World finally endingup taking on the identity of “Jon¬athon Z. Smith,” Dean of the Col¬lege here at UC. His performancehere this weekend will mark his re¬union with Robbie Krieger, JohnDensmore, and Ray Manzarek, theband he allegedly left forever onJune 3, 1981 (was it heroin? was itjust 27 long years of gradual sui¬cide?) when the world heard of hisbody sprawled lifeless in the bath¬tub of his Paris flat, waiting to liealong side Chopin in a Paris grave¬yard.I had the opportunity to speakwith Morrison/Smith Wednesdaynight in his Harper Tower officewhere he spun tales of the goldenyears from 1967-71, as he droppedacid for the 1838th time.“I know the world has been wait¬ing for a while, maybe, but I reallydon’t give a shit,” he said, askedabout his disappearance from therace he hated, and even condemnedon stage in Miami in 1969. It wasDecember, in a crowded DadeCounty airplane hangar: “You all abunch of f—ing idiots, you’re all abunch of slaves, slaves. How longare you gonna let them push youaround?”He didn’t want to stop.“This was my final experimentwith crowds, a test to determine thespiritual strength of the people whoclaimed to listen to our music, tosee if they would really fall underany verbal spell just as a singlehuman would in the circum¬stances,” he proclaimed, taking adrag from his cigarette.When asked why he decided toopen the tour in the Second City,Morrison mentioned emphaticallythat “this is the home of the blues, and the blues is the soul of allmusic.” The Doors covered bluesgreats John Lee Hooker and WillieDixon in their career, and Jimpenned several blues work of hisown. He also emphasized his spe¬cial relation to UC, “After teachinghere for ten years I’ve really cometo love the kids here. I think theyunderstand me and my pilgrim-_ _ _ > »age.“I’m opening at the University toavoid all those 14-year olds, theones who have ruined the mysticismestablished by those early suc¬cesses,” he said, emphasizing thatthe mystique of the Doors has erod¬ed as their music has fallen into theembrace of a younger, distraughtaudience, some of them in thewomb when he disappeared. TheRolling Stone Record Guide, whoseoriginal issue flattered the Doorswith an average of rating of 4.5 outof 5, knocked them to an average of2.1 in the second, updated issue,largely because of the “asinine”following of the times.His warmth, inherited unavoid¬ably from his socially uprightparents, allowed Morrison/Smith,after all these years of bitterness, toview the human race in a profound¬ly “human” context. He has alwaysheld a bitterness toward all thoseover whom his power with the En¬glish language compelled, and triedto exert an influence on the 1970’spublic which so readily believed theequations of public and private re¬lationships.Morrison/Smith believed thespiritual advancement of himselfinvolved simply the background heheld in the philosophy of Nietzscheand Brown and even Jack Kerouacin his era of heavy acid taking. Butfinally he resolved that mysticalworld with reality, and concludedthat life is indeed worth living, in¬dependent of the basis of the partic¬ular philosophy. See him this week¬end, even if it is only to havesomething to tell the grandchildrenabout. Tickets are availablethrough FAB.UUA Salvadoran right-wing death squad will be visiting campus during April. Theirvisit is being sponsored by Student Government. Asked whether this conflictedwith the stipulation that no biased political activities could be funded by StudentGovernment, an official replied, “The death squad has no official contact withthe Salvadoran government, so we don’t consider them to be politicallybiased.”“Just like Jimmy’s!” cries a homesick U of C student as he empties a pitcherwith three friends. The trace of a tear can still be seen on the cheek of SteveBassett (far right), who was too distressed to finish putting on his shirt. “Idunno,” he said, “I just can’t get into it. There are no books down here, and noDoc Films — I can’t even remember what Weltanschauung means”4—SUNDAY APRIL 1, 1984-THE GREY CITY JOURNAL-ARTS & FUN!SEX SCANDALSTUDENTS SEMI-PROBy Max RennLet's call her "x" and lets not describe her by major, dorm, yearin school or even her hobbies. This woman is trouble. A varsityathlete, an honors student and a hooker! "Oh! I wish I had a dimefor all the women and men I know who pay for school this way."she told this reporter.Last night acting on informa¬tion supplied by Vinnie Big-letti, longtime Reynolds clubbarber and racketeer, a GCJinvestigative news team incooperation with the Chicagopolice participated in a raidon an infamous south sidebrothel. The twelve studentsarrested represent four dif¬ferent divisions within theUniversity, including onePERL and one ASHUM stu¬dent, their ages rangingfrom nineteen to twenty-eight. One undergrad and al¬leged "pro" stated "Thisisn't the first time I've beenarrested but I've never spentthe night in jail. We have avery, very comptent legalstaff. I mean I wouldn't do itif there was a chance it couldgo on my transcript. Myparents would kill me."Evidence indicates more andmore students are turning toprostitution to pay for in¬creasing tuition and livingexpenses. The seasoned prosin this ring claim to have noconnections with organizedcrime. They claim to be anon-profit cooperative inter¬ested in matching their needPROFESSOR GOES WHACKO-KILS THREE STUDENTS Bata¬via Schoenheit von Vogelsang,professor of Evolutionary Biology, went on a rampage last weekduring one of her class's field tripand fatally stabbed three of herstudents, von Vogelsang is cur¬rently under observation in Bill¬ings Hospital. A university offi¬cial told GCJ/A&F! that it waslikely that she would resumeteaching in the fall. for money with others' needfor depravity!University of Chicago Commu¬nity Business Services, for¬merly the Office of CareerCounseling and Placement,denies that it has ever en¬couraged students to partici¬pate in anything illegal.When pressed, Julie Monsondirector of CBS admittedthat they had placedoverone-hundred and fifty stu¬dents in non-work study jobsin the last two months, butadded that they were not ac¬tually involved in "that pros¬titution stuff".Prostitution is big money, andso is the University. Jim, anMBA candidate and sea¬soned pro, said he knew lotsof people who "tricked" on apart time basis, but he hadalways held back. One nightwith three days to go beforean interview with an interna¬tional arms company andnothing to wear and nomoney, he turned to prostitu¬tion. "I guess a lot of usstarted this way saying, 'justthis once' but its so easy andthe money is so good." He re¬ported earnings of up to fivehundred dollars a night.JOHNNY LYDON ON CAMPUSJohn Lydon (nee Rotten), ex-leadsinger of the Sex Pistols, will bethe first Visiting Fellow of SpringQuarter. Citing his outstandingcontributions to popular music,President Gray said, "It will bean honor to welcome this youngman to our campus. It is men likehim who make this a greatcountry." Lydon will be sitting inon music and anthropologyclasses during his three daystay. Sleaze-Z Construction spokes¬man Vinnie Terra Cotta de¬nies any connection betweenthe temporary halt of theconstruction of an "Interna¬tional Sorority Head¬quarters" on 59th and StonyIsland and the recent crack¬down on local prostitution.June Daniels, Housing Ser¬vices Supervisor, denies theUniversity had anything todo with the rezoning of the"sorority" site. The new zon¬ing alows "a semi-indepen-dent dormitory to sell liquor,show films, provide on-site,non-prescribed physicaltherapy and house studentsin a tax-free environment."If its not connected with theUniversity whose dorm is it?And if its not Illicit why denya University of Chicago con¬nection. Daniels' reply —"No comment.""No comment" must be themost used expression in thiswhole cover-up! Dean DanHall, Office of College Aid,used those very words whenasked what the silhouette ofa cat-o-nine tails next to stu¬dents' work-study allot¬ments meant. Donald Levinealso used these words whenasked if this prostitution wasthe culmination of his effortsto "socialize" campus life.Herman Sinaiko dean of stu¬dents in the college, deniedthat there was any signifi¬cance in locating the mailroom in the basement ofReynolds Club only a fewfeet from the infamous de-Madame Xby Brad N. BlossomIn recent months many peoplehave become curious about a budd¬ing under construction at the cornerof 57th Street and Stony Island Av¬enue. Approximately one monthafter construction began, a sign ap¬peared announcing that the budd¬ing was to house the headquartersof a sorority. The Grey City Jour¬nal/Arts & Fun! has learned than viant hang out the ReynoldsClub men's room.Gregory Campbell relating theofficial response stated yes¬terday at a press conference,"We have no reason to be¬lieve that any University ofChicago students were in¬volved. And if any were in¬volved I'm sure they werecoerced into this business bylocal gangsters. And any stu¬dents or even administratorswho might be involved in theactual running of this despi¬cable enterprise should con¬sider themselves retroacti¬vely dismissed from theUniversity. I think I can safely say at this point in timethat no members of the U ofC community is involved inany way, at least not to myknowledge."This reporter isn't buying it.The Administration cancover its tracks as much as itwants. But, this sleaza-gatehas already sprung a leak. Afour million dollar a yearbusiness going on in HydePark, in University ownedand operated buildings, in¬volving as many as threehundred and fifty studentsover the last three years,and possible three Deans!Naturally! In an environ¬ment where intellectualstimulation comes with sucha formidable price tag, weshould expect this sleazysupply side sex scandal toleave its stench hanging inour hallowed halls.this “sorority headquarters’’ isnothing more than a front for acity-wide prostitution ring.The prostitution ring, run by theinfamous Madame X, was planningto expand services in Hyde Park.The GCJA&FI’s source for this in¬formation was a secret informer onX’s staff. “Madam X believes thatthere are a lot of lonely academicia¬ns out there looking to have a good SPEAKSOUTLOOKING FOR THE BEEF|by Ted AngerA day can’t pass in the life ofa typical American when thecountry’s new catch phrase“Where’s the beef?” doesn’t in¬trude into their lives. No threewords have so transformed theart of American conversationsince “Big Mac Attack.” Whilethe latter phrase was purely atemporary culinary phenome¬non which disappeared withouta trace almost as quickly as it ap¬peared, the former has ramifica¬tions which go far beyond theobvious fast-food thinking thatit was designed to stimulate. Ithas become a statement on thestate of American societ andpolitics, and it reflects the newviews that the typical 1980’sAmerican person holds regard¬ing himself or herself and his orher country.Just the fact that a Presi¬dential candidate used thisphrase under the watchful gazeof the public eye suggests thatthere must be un underlying so¬cial and political comment hid¬ing in those three deceptivelysimple words. Americans under¬stood former Vice-PresidentWalter Mondale when he said“Where’s the beef?”, probablywithout even realizing that theyunderstood.I never thought that I wouldever be ashamed to be an Ameri¬can. In desperation, when the1980 Presidential elections camearound I decided to vote for aPresident I knew was senile andincompetent, but at least hecould talk stronger than any ofthe other candidates. I believechim when he said that he wasgoing to make America NumberOne once again.But the nearly four years thathave followed President ReaNMt^ppiection have been farfrom satisfying to me as anAmerican. I realize that a lot ofit really isn’t his fault. A lot ofthose irrational doves in Con¬gress deserve some credit forhelping to promote the low levelof American esteem that hasbeen tearing the country apartrecently. A divided America cannever be a strong America — Ithink that’s how Abraham Lin¬coln put it.A television commercial hasgiven us a phrase which we canuse to articulate our fears andfrustrations. “W'here’s thebeef?” they ask, but what theyare really asking is “Where’s thestrength I used to feel from liv¬ing in a strong America?” Whenwe ask this question we don’twant alot of bun in the answerand no pickles either!time,” said the informer. The planalso included recruiting a largenumber of students to work asprostitutes throughout Chicago.“Yeah, Madame X thought thatlots of real nice girls would show uplooking to join a sorority. Youknow, then we’d get ’em a littledrunk and whammo!—off to NewTown.”W’hen we called her office yester¬day, Madame X refused to answerany questions. “I’m sure I have noidea what you’re talking about,”was all we could get out of the no¬torious peddler of human flesh.The Chicago police are now con¬ducting a full scale investigation ofthe “sorority.” Construction washalted on the building earlier in theweek.It is believes that Madame Xmade her fatal mistake in situatingher new facilities in Hyde Park. Asis well known, no sex has occured inHyde Park for the last ten years.SORORITYSISTER SEXSCANDALTHE GREY CITY JOURNAL—ARTS & FUN!—SUNDAY APRIL 1, 1984—5TAMERICAN BAR ASSOCIATIONPART-TIME EMPLOYMENT TELEMARKETING PROGRAMThe American Bar Association is looking for people tocontact its members nationwide by phone to discussthe public service, education and membership pro¬grams of the Association.If you possess good speaking abilities and can make apositive impression over the phone, you may qualifyfor one of these positions.The salary will be $4.50 per hour. Day and eveninghours. To apply contact Cynthia Baniak, between 1p.m. and 4:45 p.m.947-3956 ^3CHICTHE COOKING AND HOSPITALITY INSTITUTE Of CHICAGO • 247 E. ONTARIO ST.^ i SCHOOL OFBartendingApproved by the Illinois State Board of Education■ Learn in a Real North Michigan Avenue Bar■ Graduate in Just 5 Days—Or Study Part-time or Saturdays■ Textbook & Customized Drink Manual Included■ Instructors are Working Pros■ Tightly Organized Curriculum shakes down all thesecrets of bartending. Learn drink categories,inventory & bar layout, money changing,bar etiquette and tips on landing a job.■ Job Placement AssistanceHILLEL LECTURECo-Sponsored uMh Stuiant Cl.J. K CjmpiXOr'The Holocaust-and its Deniers-TbeFiqhtAqainst Historical IWkMrs. Lilli KopeckyGeneral Secretary of the Public Committee,kof Auschwitz anGCoxentration Campjhurvwors, Author ;ftom in CzechoslovakAuschwitz Survivor; Israeli.THURSDAY, APRIL 5 • 7:30 p.m.HILLEL HOUSE • 5715 S. WOODLAWN AVE, 5311 S. Blackstone • 947-0200OUR FAMOUS STUFFED PIZZA IN THE PAN IS NOWAVAILABLE IN HYDE PARKOPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK • 11 AM T012 MIDNIGHTCocktails* Pleasant Dining • Pick-Up"Chicago’s best pizza!”"The ultimate in pizza!” - Chicago Magazine, March 1977New York Timas, January 1980rDidn’t you know that if you’re a senior with the promise of a $10,000career-oriented job, you could have the American Express" Card?Where have you been?Asleep?Because for some time American Express has been saying that we believein your future. But even more than that. We believe in you now. And we’vebeen proving it. A $10,000 job. That’s it. No strings. No gimmicks. And thisoffer is even good for 12 months after you graduate.But why do you need the American Express Card now? First of all, it’s agood way to begin to establish your credit history. And you know that’simportant. Of course, the Card is also good for vacation travel, as well asfor shopping for things like a new stereo or furniture. And because the Cardis recognized and welcomed worldwide,so are you.So call 800-528-8000 for a SpecialStudent Application or look for one atyour college bookstore or on yourcampus bulletin boards.The American Express Card. Don’tleave school without it:M DR. M. R. MASLOVOPTOMETRIST• EYE EXAMINATIONS• FASHION EYEWEAR• ALL TYPES OFCONTACT LENSES• CONTACT SUPPLIESTHE HYDE PARKSHOPPING CENTER1510 E. 55th363-61009. Aranun OpiomcMc AaocMonCHINESE-AMERICAN RESTAURANTSpecializing in Cantoneseand American dishes.Open Daily 11 A.-8:30 P.M.Closed Monday13111.63rd MU 4-1062Look for an application on campus.©American Express Travel Related Services Company, Inc. 19846—SUNDAY APRIL 1, 1984—THE GREY CITY JOURNAL—ARTS & FUN! APARTMENTSFOR RENTGRAFF &CHECK1617 E. 55th St.Spacious, rawly-decorated l'/j, 2Vi,studios & 1 bedroomapartments in a quietwell-maintained buildingBU8-5566 inRiis/ASKMS.CORRECTDEAR MISS CORRECT: Myfriends and I are all politically cor¬rect. Recently I fell in love with awonderful girl, but she has an awfulsecret: she attends the BusinessSchool. When we go out with rnyfriends, they all spit on us. Whatshould 1 do?IN LOVE AND ALL WETDEAR WET: Faux pas, faux pas!Where did you meet this girl any¬way? I suggest professional help.DEAR MISS CORRECT: I justbought a nifty scarf — white andblack cotton with little pom-pomsalong the edge. I hear it's a PLOscarf and therefore PI. What doyou think?FASHION VICTIMDEAR VICTIM: Yes, it is “PI"(Politically Incorrect). Don’t writeagain until you’ve done somethingabout this problem.DEAR MISS CORRECT: Howmuch make-up is it correct for a fe¬minist to wear?JANE FONDADEAR JANE: Just enough to coverher face.DEAR MISS CORRECT: Even incrowded Ex Libris coffeeshop, I sitalone. No one talks to me. Do youthink it could beBODY ODOR?DEAR ODOR: Probably not. Ex¬amine your beverage: if you’redrinking from a styrofoam cup,you’re using a symbol of capitalistwaste and exploitation of theworld’s dwindling petroleum re¬sources. Wake up and smell the cof¬fee!! Bring your own mug nexttime.CONFIDENTIAL TO D. MILL¬ER: Why do you think it is PI to listthe director and then the year ofproduction in a movie blurb?DEAR MISS CORRECT: I haveheard that the way to get my poemsprinted in the Grey City Journal isto sleep with an editor or influentialstaff member — can you confirmthis?READY TO IN HYDE PARKDEAR TO: A little to the left,honey...now up...ow! More....VVWVVWVVVVWWWAWiASPRINDEATH TRIPPROOF: ASPIRIN — NO. 1POISONER OF GRADUATESTUDENTS!!Early in January of this year,the Journal of the AmericanMedical Association — the mag¬azine that keeps doctors in¬formed — issued a long overduewarning against aspirin.Just six weeks earlier, theGREY CITY JOURNAL Arts &Fun! — the magazine that keepsyou informed — published thedamning facts that brandedaspirin as the number 1 poisonerof graduate students.GREY CITY said: “Yearafter year, the drug that tops thegrad-poisoner list is aspirin...In’83, 113 fatalities, not to men¬tion those using aspirin to in¬crease the so-called “high” ofauto-erotic asphyxiation.”A.M.A. reports: “The publicbelieves that aspirin is harmless;therefore the drug is likely to beleft where small graduate stu¬dents may have access to it.With attractively flavored grad¬uate student aspirin, the tempta¬tion for grads has increased.”The use of large labels saying“Keep out of the hands of gradstudents” is recommended, butdue to the high illiteracy rateamong graduate students, thissolution is (continued on page35). CORNER THIS WEEKr THREE AUSTRALIAN POETShm r.k }W :V U ■,ijm o:y, | Workers of the world—I hate you.All you care about isTV Guide, beer, and white bread.Why can't you understandthe revolution and itspromise of beauty.You suck out my soul.Workers of the world—I hate you.WesSO MUCHMEATNEW PROFESSOR ONCAMPUS: Bradley Delp, newhead of the Anthropology depart¬ment, here displays his unique ap¬proach to doing research, whichhas gained him the nickname“Professor Meat” by his adoringstudents. Watch out for that ax!Looks like Prof. Delp is bound towin a Quantrell, or something. Spring is beautiful when it comes,Good for students bad for bums.The beauty of spring undiluted,Thoughts come to mind unpolluted.Schoolwork seemingly so hardbeing done is its own reward.Hyde Park, Chicago, Illinoisand then something in the same meter that ends in joy— Biff the VikingYour eyes are a grapefruit sunsetand I am your PomengranateYou are PhoebusOn the B busI dream of us on a traingoing througha misty tunnelgoingtoFlorida.—Petula HamhocksDURAN DURAN DURAN DURAN DURJand Rio to their latest, Sevenand the Ragged Tiger, it isevident that they are a verytight band.Unlike bands like DepecheMode, Duran Duran don’tuse synthesizers to overpow¬er their music. Co-founderNick Rhodes uses his key¬boards in a subtle way so thatit enhances the music. RogerTaylor pounds out a steadybeat, while other co-founderJohn Taylor throws in me¬lodic bass lines. AxemanAndy Taylor (none of theTaylors are related) plays likean early Eddie Van Halen,and has the jumps to match.Singer Simon Le Bon tendsto hog the spotlight, andmuch of his dancing stilllooks like he’s having an epil-leptic seizure. But his voice isin fine tune. He shows muchmore emotion than in thepast, and makes a striking(albeit narcisstic) frontman.Skeptics say that DuranDuran are not here to stay,but are merely the “flavor ofthe month”. I disagree. Withtheir musical ability andblond good looks, they’rebound to be around for along, long time. Jae-HaKim •••••••••••SUNDAY >In 1981, Duran Duran saidthat they wanted “worlddomination by 1984”. Threeyears later, they’ve achievedthat goal.Though the Durans havetoured the U.S. three timesalready, this tour marks theirfirst visit to the U.S. as su¬perstars.And the band is taking ad¬vantage of this newfoundelite status. They are touringthe U.S. in style: from theseparate limos allotted toeach of the five bandmembers, to the custom de¬signed ultra chic Parachuteclothing for their road crew.Even their stage set-up ismore elaborate than mostbands. The grecian pillars inthe background add a niceclassy touch to an alreadypolished band.The Durans have receivedmore than their share of flakfrom the press in regards totheir looks. Yes, it is truethat they are five good look¬ing young men, but they arenot a case of “looks over tal¬ent”.Running through all theirhits from their debut album • • • • • n& A9H3N3 xTHE GREY CITY JOURNAL—ARTS & f-UN!—SUNDAY APRIL 1, 1984—7MAINFRAMESTATISTICSON YOUR MICROSYSTAT does nearly everythingthe mainframe packages do,with greater convenience, atless cost, using double precision.SYSTAT is the highly sophisticatedstatistical package written byLeland Wilkinson. It runs on manyof today’s inexpensive personalcomputers under both CP/m andMS-DOS. Features include:-Multivariate general linear modelto perform N-way ANOVA,ANOCOVA or MANOVA;-Number of cases limited only bydisk size;-Interactive or batch operation;-Sort or merge by multiple variables;-Numeric or character variables;-Graphics, for any printer, for widerange of charts and plots;-Only $499.If you would like to learnmore about this spec¬tacular package, cometo a presentation atValue Added Systemson Thursday, April 5 at7:00 PM.(It’s free, but please phone forreservations)VALUE ADDEDSYSTEMComputer sales, service,supplies, educationauthorized Kaypro dealer1701 E. 53rd St.phone: 667-4440on the Del Prado Mezzanine THE FLAMINGO APARTMENTS5500 South Shore DriveSTUDIOS & ONE BEDROOMS•Unfurnished and furnished•U. of C. Bus Stop•Free Pool Membership•Carpeting and Drapes Included•Secure Building - Emily's Dress Shop•University Subsidy for Students & Staff•Delicatessen *BeautyShop•Barbershop •T.J.'s Restaurant•Dentist *Valet ShopFREE PARKINGMr. Keller 752*3800The most automaticNikon ever.Nikon One-Touch., . .NIKON ONE-TOUCH(L35af )Nikon made 35mm photography easy by mak-jing the One-Touch (L35AF) uncomplicated.Nine totally automatic features do all the work.And you take all the credit.• Automatic focusing.• Programmed automatic exposure control.• Automatic film loading. NikonWe take the world’smmodel camera1342 E. 55th493-6700THIS SPACE CONTRIBUTED BY THE PUBLISHER [CHINA?]^ Yes! With Professional colleagues, not a II herd of tourists. Our 7th tour. Only $3295 I| from CA, 22 days in China. Xian, Guilin + ;i 9 other cities. Optional extensions. f| Education & Schools - Talk with teachers t, and students. June 24 -July 18 (Chinese |* schools close in Mid-July). || Limited Space! Write or call today: |. Prof. Robert Hefner, MET Inc. I* 1407 Morton Ave., Rm. 177 jI Ann Arbor, MI 48104 1j (313) 662-1867 ]SHARE LIFE —DONATE BLOODuniversity of ChicagoWR medical center''BLOOD BANKCall 962-6247 for appointmentStudios, 1 & 2 BedroomApartments AvailableSome Nice Lake ViewsGood LocationHeat IncludedParking AvailableCALLHERBERT REALTY684-23335 % Student Discounts9:00 A.M.-4:30 PM.Monday thru Friday'XZBaafro-caribbean dancebeginning aerobic exercisebelly dancingHARMOn,CAJAPANESE MASRegistration: March 26Ida Noyes8—SUNDAY APRIL 1, 1984—THE GREY CITY JOURNAL—APTS & FUN!